My "parents". To know them is to seriously question their fashion
choices. But I believe in giving credit where credit is due, and who could be
more deserving than the people who pay my phone bill? My parents provide me
with some of my best material. Not because they're funny but because I'm funny
when I'm making fun of them. It takes a village.
For starters, although they are relatively young my parents are completely
out of touch with technology. They both eschew social media, preferring to use
my brother's accounts to stalk people. When I first got an iPhone my mother
asked me how I was going to find time to go to the app store which, in her
mind, was a physical building. Bless her heart. After 4 years of experience
with smart phones, they've made some paltry improvements. Now they both know that
the app store is online but the only app they actually understand is 2048. They
are both helplessly addicted to the point of physical withdrawals. On any given
evening you can find my parents in the living room with the TV on, both so busy
playing 2048 (which they have each beaten several times, mind you) that they
simply can't be bothered to answer the phone, text back, or give me money to
buy a life size cutout of Perry the Platypus, and they know how strongly I feel
about alliteration in the aliases of animated animals.
My endless critiques of the people who forsook their own happiness to
purchase the hardcover edition of The Strong-Willed Child and raise me
is a recent development. When I was younger I used to think that my parents
could do no wrong. Fast forward a dozen years and my mother puts me in charge
of watching my youngest brother. While babysitting him I allowed the
aforementioned brother (11 years old) to watch Netflix unsupervised and make
himself a pepperoni and garlic salt sandwich for dinner after an appetizer of
mini kit-kats. Now I'm starting to really question her judgment. But when it
comes to childcare, you get what you pay for and I got a whopping zero dollars
for that evening so fair is fair.
Not only do my parents consider me capable of "sitting" my siblings, by some
egregious error in judgment they frequently allow my siblings to ride in cars
with me. For those of you who have never witnessed my driving first hand,
clearly you’ve been avoiding the sidewalks and curbs of central North Carolina.
So I’ll just tell you, if I lived in Saudi Arabia I would be the poster girl
for the no women driving movement. And yet my parents see no problem with me
schlepping my brothers around town. Think of all the cars I could run into!
During rush hour, driving around Goldston for 45 minutes, that’s like 2 or 3.
In their defense, my real problem is hitting stationary objects so in that
respect all the other moving cars are clear it's really the mailboxes and woodland creatures rendered immobile by fear who should be worried.
Whenever my dad walks into a room he announces his presence by asking
"Where is your mom?" which is actually kind of sweet except after the
2nd time this happens to you when it becomes infuriating. I mean honestly. It's
a 2400 square foot house. He can put in some leg work. None of us ever know
where my mom is but she's not the invisible woman, it doesn't take much to find
her. She's probably hiding from her 3 kids somewhere, that's what I would be
doing.
Growing up I always knew that my parents' marriage was secure. I know no
matter what happens my parents will never get a divorce. Not because they love
each other, they spend time together, or any of that gross stuff. But because it would
be literally impossible for them to co-parent. They live in the same house and
have been married for almost 30 years and they barely communicate. It sounds
like I'm exaggerating but remember we're talking about the people who couldn't
put their heads together to remember their only daughter's 17th birthday. I
cannot tell you how many times I have had a phone conversation with my father
explaining my plans only to receive a text from my mother a few hours later
asking what I’m doing. It just doesn’t cross their minds that they could easily
ask each other. Or they both just prefer talking to me, can’t blame them. Once
I got mono and my dad didn't know until a full month later. That's either because my parents don't communicate or because they just don't pay attention to me. My mother still hasn't noticed that I got a new ear piercing 6 months ago.
In addition to their wardrobe choices, phone addictions and weird obsession with Family Feud, my parents also have a lot of great qualities that I don't get to make
fun of nearly enough. In the spirit of love and innocuous humor and the fact
that I still want Christmas presents (I gave up on birthday presents the year I
turned 17 and no one noticed), I want to share my favorite things about my parents.
The best thing
about my dad is that he will buy literally whatever you put on the grocery
list. No matter what I ask my mom to pick up, it's a guarantee that roughly
half of it has no chance of entering a 15 foot radius of her shopping cart. My
dad on the other hand, I could ask for Venetian caviar, a domesticated raccoon,
Season 1 of Prison Wives Club and 5 bags of crispy M&Ms and, if left
in charge of groceries, he will find a way to bring every item home. And I love
him for that. Also his mustache is on point and as a firm believer in eyebrow maintenance I really respect that.
The best thing about my mom is that she somehow manages to shop
with me, which is no small feat. She is the typical introvert and I'm the extreme
extrovert. This means that she values alone time while I am terrified of it. I
know that when we shop she wants to go do her own thing, but the only way I
know how to shop is to follow whoever I came with. So my poor mother has let me
follow her around stores for two decades and has listened to me talk her out of shoulder pads time and time again.
So while perhaps I will never forgive my parents for refusing to let me drop out of college to serve on John Edwards's jury, I will say that they both have redeeming qualities, like being able to afford to send me to grad school.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Fall La La La La
I love fall 100% less than your average basic girl, but if I don't make at least one post welcoming the official season of pumpkin spice they force me to rename my blog, something about false advertising.
Today's post will guide you to the white girl-tested, me-approved fall flavor that's perfect for you based on your Myers-Briggs personality type. Hold your applause.
If by some egregious act of wanton introspection neglect you do not already know your MB personality, please click on the ads to your right so I can make money and click on the link below so you can find out! If you're not sure this post is worth all that trouble and still need some convincing, 1-At this point I already have your page view so I really don't care and 2-You can do all sorts of fun activities once you know your MB personality type like win a free scholarship to college and see what Harry Potter character you are and fly and also some of those are made up.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
ESTJ-The Guardian
Tweed
You’re a take charge leader who believes in facts, and the fact is everyone looks more serious wearing tweed. You've spent the past 3 months trying to find business professional clothes that are climate appropriate but now your long and fruitless struggle has mercifully ended and you are free to welcome the coming winter with open elbow patches.
ESTP-The Doer
New iPhone
As an enthusiastic individual who lives in the here and now, you value having up-to-date technology. You look forward to the new and improved phones that come out in the fall, like this September's iPhone 6S. Don't hate the early adapter, hate the line at the Apple store, that's what you always say.
ESFJ-The Caregiver
Bonfires
Fall provides the perfect opportunity for you to throw a bonfire for 47 of your closest friends! You're a people person who desires constant praise and adoration from others and you know the best way to get that is by plying all of your friends with s'mores. For extra fun, add peanut butter to your s'mores to make them protein bars!
ESFP-The Performer
Halloween costume
You thrive on being the center of attention and know that on Halloween you will have a ton of competition for the spotlight in the form of nurses, pirates, bunnies and police women, not the mention the occasional mouse...duh. You spend a lot of time making sure you have the perfect costume, 1 part trendy, 2 parts dark and twisty, 7 parts fabulous eye makeup.
ISTJ-The Duty Fulfiller
Hot chocolate/cider
Someone as quiet and serious as yourself needs the perfect fall beverage to sip while perusing the classics (Yes Please, The Baby-Sitters Club, The Golden Cage). Once the autumnal equinox rolls around you can stop pretending to like lemonade and drink sophisticated Ghirardelli dark chocolate. Use a mug with a quote misattributed to Marilyn Monroe to really amp up the pretension.
ISTP-The Mechanic
Football jersey
You love action and can't wait for Sunday night football, which curiously enough also takes place on Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights. There's just no escaping it. In the fall you like to get a new football jersey so you can support your favorite team. I would suggest either getting 4 football jerseys or getting really serious about laundry.
ISFJ-The Nurturer
Fall candles
A considerate soul, you crave fall candles just as warm as you are. You want your house to always smell welcoming so you stock up on Bath & Body Words seasonal favorites like sweet cinnamon pumpkin, pumpkin pie, pumpkin sweet pea and cherry pumpkin blossom. I'm really starting to think they just add pumpkin to their normal scents and call it a fall.
ISFP-The Artist
State fair tickets
You love animals and appreciate art so every fall you head to your state fair to see the petting zoo and fried Crisco. Not that food is the only art form on display at the state fair, you also like the handicrafts, caricature artists and people watching, the art of judging people you don't know and will never see again.
ENTJ-The Executive
New fall hair color
You're a career-focused leader who sees long-term. For fall, you want to get rid of the summer ombre and paint your locks a more serious, dark shade that says "I take split ends AND cold weather seriously" while looking glossy and bossy. Might I recommend the "can I see your manager" cut in a deep chestnut?
ENTP-The Visionary
New office/school supplies
You're an idea person who needs tons of pens and paper to keep up with all of your genius notions. Nothing makes you more excited than new supplies for your office or classes. You love replacing the bright hues of summer with saturated neutrals and burnt orange for fall. How embarrassing if your fall journals were bumblebee instead of the much more autumn-appropriate dijon? You'd just die!
ENFJ-The Giver
Fall decor
As someone who really values the feelings and opinions of others, you like to make your home a fall paradise complete with pumpkin and harvest decor around every hayride-scented corner. You look forward to setting out bowls of candy corn and caramel apple pops the way most people look forward to eating them. Your fall yard is simply incomplete without a scarecrow and at least one dry ice machine.
ENFP-The Inspirer
Hocus Pocus
You're a passionate person who is easily excitable, so even though you have watched Hocus Pocus several times each year since you were still using crib sheets for your ghost costumes, it never gets old. When Disney channel brings back this classic, you invite all your friends over to appreciate one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of our time.
INTJ-The Scientist
Fall pictures
You're an insightful strategist who knows that fall is the best time for #artsy Instagram pictures. After a few weeks of observation, you can discern the perfect props to maximize likes. Should you make use of fallen leaves? Carve a pumpkin? The options are as endless as your infinity scarf.
INTP-The Thinker
Black Friday
A logical individual, you know that you can't beat the deals stores roll out on Black Friday. Skilled in theoretical thinking, you can easily imagine a game plan for which stores to hit first and can make rational decisions about what to purchase. My only advice is buy it. Buy it all.
INFJ-The Protector
Flannel
You want a fabric just as gentle as you are so once the temperatures start to drop, you can curl up in your favorite flannels for the next 6 months. Just look out for plaid button-down shirts that aren't actually soft and comfy flannel but stiff and starched evil. I've seen too many good men trust the wrong online store.
INFP-The Idealist
Pumpkin muffins
You just want to make the world a better place for everyone, and that starts with my famous (to my immediate family only) pumpkin muffins! 1 spice cake mix, 1 can of pumpkin and some fun extras are all you need for delicious pumpkin muffins! I like to add chocolate chips but feel free to add entire chocolate bars, really.
Today's post will guide you to the white girl-tested, me-approved fall flavor that's perfect for you based on your Myers-Briggs personality type. Hold your applause.
If by some egregious act of wanton introspection neglect you do not already know your MB personality, please click on the ads to your right so I can make money and click on the link below so you can find out! If you're not sure this post is worth all that trouble and still need some convincing, 1-At this point I already have your page view so I really don't care and 2-You can do all sorts of fun activities once you know your MB personality type like win a free scholarship to college and see what Harry Potter character you are and fly and also some of those are made up.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
ESTJ-The Guardian
Tweed
You’re a take charge leader who believes in facts, and the fact is everyone looks more serious wearing tweed. You've spent the past 3 months trying to find business professional clothes that are climate appropriate but now your long and fruitless struggle has mercifully ended and you are free to welcome the coming winter with open elbow patches.
ESTP-The Doer
New iPhone
As an enthusiastic individual who lives in the here and now, you value having up-to-date technology. You look forward to the new and improved phones that come out in the fall, like this September's iPhone 6S. Don't hate the early adapter, hate the line at the Apple store, that's what you always say.
ESFJ-The Caregiver
Bonfires
Fall provides the perfect opportunity for you to throw a bonfire for 47 of your closest friends! You're a people person who desires constant praise and adoration from others and you know the best way to get that is by plying all of your friends with s'mores. For extra fun, add peanut butter to your s'mores to make them protein bars!
ESFP-The Performer
Halloween costume
You thrive on being the center of attention and know that on Halloween you will have a ton of competition for the spotlight in the form of nurses, pirates, bunnies and police women, not the mention the occasional mouse...duh. You spend a lot of time making sure you have the perfect costume, 1 part trendy, 2 parts dark and twisty, 7 parts fabulous eye makeup.
ISTJ-The Duty Fulfiller
Hot chocolate/cider
Someone as quiet and serious as yourself needs the perfect fall beverage to sip while perusing the classics (Yes Please, The Baby-Sitters Club, The Golden Cage). Once the autumnal equinox rolls around you can stop pretending to like lemonade and drink sophisticated Ghirardelli dark chocolate. Use a mug with a quote misattributed to Marilyn Monroe to really amp up the pretension.
ISTP-The Mechanic
Football jersey
You love action and can't wait for Sunday night football, which curiously enough also takes place on Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights. There's just no escaping it. In the fall you like to get a new football jersey so you can support your favorite team. I would suggest either getting 4 football jerseys or getting really serious about laundry.
ISFJ-The Nurturer
Fall candles
A considerate soul, you crave fall candles just as warm as you are. You want your house to always smell welcoming so you stock up on Bath & Body Words seasonal favorites like sweet cinnamon pumpkin, pumpkin pie, pumpkin sweet pea and cherry pumpkin blossom. I'm really starting to think they just add pumpkin to their normal scents and call it a fall.
ISFP-The Artist
State fair tickets
You love animals and appreciate art so every fall you head to your state fair to see the petting zoo and fried Crisco. Not that food is the only art form on display at the state fair, you also like the handicrafts, caricature artists and people watching, the art of judging people you don't know and will never see again.
ENTJ-The Executive
New fall hair color
You're a career-focused leader who sees long-term. For fall, you want to get rid of the summer ombre and paint your locks a more serious, dark shade that says "I take split ends AND cold weather seriously" while looking glossy and bossy. Might I recommend the "can I see your manager" cut in a deep chestnut?
ENTP-The Visionary
New office/school supplies
You're an idea person who needs tons of pens and paper to keep up with all of your genius notions. Nothing makes you more excited than new supplies for your office or classes. You love replacing the bright hues of summer with saturated neutrals and burnt orange for fall. How embarrassing if your fall journals were bumblebee instead of the much more autumn-appropriate dijon? You'd just die!
ENFJ-The Giver
Fall decor
As someone who really values the feelings and opinions of others, you like to make your home a fall paradise complete with pumpkin and harvest decor around every hayride-scented corner. You look forward to setting out bowls of candy corn and caramel apple pops the way most people look forward to eating them. Your fall yard is simply incomplete without a scarecrow and at least one dry ice machine.
ENFP-The Inspirer
Hocus Pocus
You're a passionate person who is easily excitable, so even though you have watched Hocus Pocus several times each year since you were still using crib sheets for your ghost costumes, it never gets old. When Disney channel brings back this classic, you invite all your friends over to appreciate one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of our time.
INTJ-The Scientist
Fall pictures
You're an insightful strategist who knows that fall is the best time for #artsy Instagram pictures. After a few weeks of observation, you can discern the perfect props to maximize likes. Should you make use of fallen leaves? Carve a pumpkin? The options are as endless as your infinity scarf.
INTP-The Thinker
Black Friday
A logical individual, you know that you can't beat the deals stores roll out on Black Friday. Skilled in theoretical thinking, you can easily imagine a game plan for which stores to hit first and can make rational decisions about what to purchase. My only advice is buy it. Buy it all.
INFJ-The Protector
Flannel
You want a fabric just as gentle as you are so once the temperatures start to drop, you can curl up in your favorite flannels for the next 6 months. Just look out for plaid button-down shirts that aren't actually soft and comfy flannel but stiff and starched evil. I've seen too many good men trust the wrong online store.
INFP-The Idealist
Pumpkin muffins
You just want to make the world a better place for everyone, and that starts with my famous (to my immediate family only) pumpkin muffins! 1 spice cake mix, 1 can of pumpkin and some fun extras are all you need for delicious pumpkin muffins! I like to add chocolate chips but feel free to add entire chocolate bars, really.
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