Oh Brothers

I think it’s important that as you read this you know that my lips are currently bleeding because of a peel-off lip stain debacle. I noticed my lips were bleeding when my roommate, who was also trying out a new lip color, commented that hers tasted like cake. I noted that mine tasted metallic…and was dripping down my chin. While amusing, this is still not as funny as the time I ripped all the skin off my bottom lip while wrapping Christmas gifts with packing tape.

Anyways…on to the main event. I’ve mentioned my brothers a few times on this blog because interesting things rarely happen to me and some weeks they’re all I have to write about. So I wanted to introduce them more formally. If my family were a famous sitcom family (which we totally should be but we are also open to reality television) we would be the Hecks from ABC’s The Middle. I’m Sue, the girl who tries so hard but almost always fails. Patrick would be Axl, the popular slacker. And Colby would be Brick and deny it. This post is about my brothers and some of their better (family-friendly) lines. Forgive them, they’re not as funny as I am so I also had to include some zingers of my own. You’re welcome.

Colby*

Colby is my angel. I remain convinced that he is my child. Or possibly my clone. Jury’s still out after some witness tampering by my mother who for some reason insists that she is Colby’s real mother contrary to what I tell him every time she’s out of earshot. My favorite thing about Colby is that we have left this kid at church multiple times and he keeps coming back. He can’t take a hint but he can take a joke and he once took $100 from my dad’s wallet to buy Silly Bandz.

Me: “Guys, imagine how different our lives would be if Lin-Manuel Miranda hadn’t picked up Ron Chernow’s biography but had instead visited www.whitegirlwednesday.blogspot.com!”

Colby: “That would suck. Then we wouldn’t have Hamilton.”

Touche Colby.

Colby: “Jar Jar Binks is a Sith Lord.”

(That’s the whole joke.)

Colby: “What are feminists?”
Me: “Human beings.”

Colby: “Is that it?”

Me: “They believe that men and women are equal.”
Colby: “Are you a feminist?”

Me: “No.”

Colby: “Why not?”

Me: “Because women are far superior.”

Patrick*

Colby is my joy but Patrick gave me a Manu Ginobili jersey for my 22^ndbirthday, thus winning the title of favorite brother. Sorry Colb, I know as a 12-year-old you don’t have a ton of earning potential to lavish fancy gifts on me but you gotta step your game up. My favorite thing about Patrick is cyberbullying him. 

Me: “So I’m thinking there’s 3 possible reasons for why I’m still single. Show of hands for A. Face, B. Body or C. Personality.”

*Patrick didn’t raise his hand at all

Me: “Awww that’s so sweet, you love me!”
Patrick: “I was waiting for D. All of the above.”

English Teacher: “Can anyone name a modern work that was inspired by Shakespeare?”

Patrick: “Gnomeo & Juliet!”

I include this because it’s probably my favorite thing that anyone has ever said.

At a fair while we were waiting in line for some archery game…

Patrick: “I’ve been binge-watching Arrow so I think I can win this.”
Me: “I’ve seen every episode of Grey’s Anatomy would you let me take your appendix out?”

Patrick: “I think I know why no one wants to date you. You dress like a cast member of American Horror Story.”

Bonus Story: For Christmas my family makes a master list with everyone’s name and we all write what we want and then make copies. One year, my darling brother wrote diet pills under my name and then my family had an intervention and told me I wasn’t even THAT fat.

*Names have NOT been changed. 

Sorry not sorry boys, from the womb to the tomb.

Uber Nightmares

It's 2016 and at this point almost everyone has had the displeasure of taking an Uber. But not all rides are created equal. Ever heard of surge pricing? This week's post is about 3 rides in particular that stand out in my nightmares and flashbacks.

The Uber That Almost Wasn't
Our journey begins in downtown Raleigh. Parking is a nightmare so instead of dealing with all that we're Ubering. Big mistake. We're cold, we're tired, everyone's feet hurt but mine because I'm wearing Crocs. We order and cancel like 5 Ubers that never come. There are taxis courting us and another Uber pulled over in front of us. Can we just take that Uber? Or will someone else be charged for that? If that's the case, do we even care? How does any of this electronic money even work?!
For awhile we remain committed to waiting for our most recently ordered Uber. Now I don't know how Uber works but I think they give whatever driver you match with your location. I'm terrible with directions AND a terrible driver and even I don't think following a GPS is that hard.
Eventually, fed up with our would-be driver, we try to convince the driver who has pulled over to drive us. What a feat that was. He said he could only drive 4 people and we had 5. Why do I have so many friends? We ask if he would consider giving us a ride if one of us is really small. We force Lauren over to the passenger door so our driver can see just how small she is. I shout to him that she was a preemie, thinking that would help. (I have no idea how close to the due date she was or wasn't born.) He finally relents and lets us pile into his car, and what a car it was.
So this Uber is a Lincoln with all the bells and whistles. I don't know anything about cars but I'm pretty sure Ubers don't normally have heated back seats. The whole ride he is trying to ensure that he gets app credit for this ride but that doesn't seem to be working and we would really rather he focus on the road. He gives up at some point and starts making comments about how we're getting this ride for free despite our repeated assurances that we will pay him cash. The total fare? $13. That would BARELY cover a meal at Arby's for most people (named Rachel). Calm down dude. We ended up giving him $23 and probably a migraine.

The Uber on Empty
This adventure began when we tried to leave an NC State tailgate. We didn't have a parking pass so we made our good friend Aubrey pick us up. But then our friends had tickets to the game so we were on our own. First we waited for surge pricing to go down as all the like-minded party people made their way home. When we could finally afford to Uber the 5 miles home, we waited for what felt like an hour but was probably actually closer to 10 minutes. Nothing. So we call and after several minutes of directing him to us and us watching his little car icon get further and further away, our driver informs us that he has to get gas. We are full of tailgate food (Halloween cookies, pizza dip and pigs in a blanket). We are exhausted (we had been tailgating since 10:00 AM). We are HOT (it was over 80 degrees, I got a little sunburn). We have to pee (I drank 3 bottles of water. Thanks Aubrey). Poor Caroline worked until 4:00 AM the night before so she just lays down in the grass and either naps or resigns to death. When the Uber FINALLY arrives, we all fall asleep on the way home. Literally all of us. Asleep. That was very stupid. Poor decision making. One of the dumbest things I've ever done and I once let a homeless man escort me to an ATM across the street to get him cash. We could have been kidnapped (technically at our age it's abduction and not kidnapping but diction is everything). But we woke up, made it home safely, and lived to take another Uber.

The Uber Where We Gossip
This one really takes the cake not because of the Uber experience but because of the events leading up to the ride.
Picture it. Mid-June. Downtown Raleigh. The 1975 concert. We arrived at the venue packed into a Prius. Caroline literally rode in the trunk. We stopped outside Red Hat Amphitheater and I opened the trunk so she could crawl out. Almost everyone else at the concert was a girl on the wrong side of puberty with her mom at worst, cool aunt at best. After the concert Caroline and I got separated from our other friends when fans stopped me for an autograph (or something like that, I can't remember all the details). They were going to the bathroom so we head over to the toilets to wait. While sitting on a bench outside the restrooms, a security guard asks us if we're waiting on someone. We respond that yes, we are waiting on friends in the bathroom and as soon as he leaves another security guard asks us the same thing. We tell him that despite appearances, we do not want to spend our Friday night sitting outside a public restroom. When our friends finally exit the bathroom, we're asking them what they want to do next while we start making our way out of the venue. Yet another security guard approaches us and literally says "Come on girls, you can gossip in the car."
I'm not one to get offended, or assume sexism or give law enforcement officers a hard time but...seriously? We can gossip in the car? We weren't gossiping at all, we were trying to be responsible adults and make a plan. We didn't tell him that he could play fantasy football and wear cargo shorts in the car.
And now for the Uber. After ordering an Uber, waiting for said Uber and meeting it on the corner, the Uber driver says she can't drive more than 4 people. We have exactly 5. Of course. Because that's how my life works. So we get an Uber XL but by the time it arrives one of our friends has left. We could have taken the cheaper, smaller Uber after all but it's too late now so we hop in. During our ride we discuss art, politics and current events and don't even have time to gossip.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The following is a record of the events of Saturday, October 8, 2016 as I remember them.
No cats were harmed in the making of this blog post.
But there were some close calls.


8:45 AM - I wake up to one of my alarms (I always set at least 3 alarms) and realize that as promised, it is raining heavily and has been all morning as evidenced by the standing brown water puddles speckling the parking lot.

8:55 AM - I decide that to be a responsible adult I must cancel my plans in Chapel Hill for the day. This is partially due to dangerous driving conditions, partially due to my terrible windshield wipers that I promised my mother I would get replaced back in March and partially due to the fact that I am not willing to go down as the idiot who died because she was driving 30 miles in a hurricane to get to her favorite donut shop.

9:09 AM - Both of my friends are surprisingly fine with me remaining in Raleigh for the day. One would think they would be heartbroken to miss a chance at seeing me. I try not to read too much into it. Storms make people crazy.

9:11 AM - I make my way into the living room after checking all the important apps from the comfort of my bed (Words With Friends & Buzzfeed). I begin a Gilmore Girls marathon that will unfortunately end far sooner than I'd hoped (foreshadowing).

9:30 AM - I work on one of my Halloween costumes, I'm making spooky bell sleeves for a Morticia Addams getup. It is slow going but I rest in the assurance that once complete, these sleeves will look completely mediocre and my students will probably make fun of me.

10:11 AM - I decide to eat breakfast like a functional adult and get over that real quick when about 3 bites in I decide the milk is bad. It wasn't past date but I'm really weird about these things. Actually I'm really weird about most things.

10:14 AM - I settle on a Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cup for breakfast. I have a complicated history with Butterfinger Cups. I avoided them like the plague for years. Only recently did I discover the magic of those crispy, buttery cups that are surprisingly finger-free.

10:16 AM - I have breakfast seconds. Luckily I have just bought a bag of 40 Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups "for my students".

10:18 AM - I proceed watching Gilmore Girls and doing not much else. I hear from a few family members who have already lost power. I pity their souls.

11:34 PM - I finally throw away last year's Christmas candy.

12:17 PM - After some flickers, I decide to eat lunch now in case modern electricity fails me. I bake 2 bread sticks, eat some turkey, drink a Dr. Pepper. This is the life.

1:13 PM - Our adventure begins. After a morning of flickers and 2 false alarms, I deduce that the power is out for real and possibly forever.

1:15 PM - By this point I have envisioned the entire globe plunged into darkness, humanity reverts to the Stone Age or the Iron Age, whichever one has cuter outfits.

1:20 PM - I talk myself down, remain calm, do some dishes. Clean my room (kind of).

1:42 PM - Now in survival mode, I raise all the blinds to get some natural light in the apartment. I also open the door to our deck to let some cool air in. I've seen Naked and Afraid, I know how to get by with the bare minimum. I have only my phone, food, clothes, blankets, 2 laptops, an iPod, an iPad, a lantern, a flashlight, running water, furniture and shelter to use for survival. It's going to be a long day.

1:43 PM - I contemplate changing my name to MacGyver.

2:16 PM - No television. No phone charger. I'm wondering if this is what it's like at Guantanamo.

3:47 PM - I wake up briefly from a nap but decide it's in my best interest to try to go back to sleep, maybe ride this whole no power thing out. I dream of waking up in a well-lit apartment with the ceiling fan humming.

4:14 PM - I wake up for good and finish Jenny Mollen's second book. She's funnier than I wanted her to be given how pretty she is. Given the internet (and real life) stalking abilities she mentioned in her first book I have reason to believe she might read this. Jenny, if you're there, yes I would love to write a book and/or star on a podcast with you.

4:32 PM - I decide I better finish my sewing project from earlier.

4:44 PM - Sewing in the dark is hard. Ask my thumb.

5:31 PM - I wonder how my favorite waitress is doing. She lives in the area and I hope she's okay.

5:33 PM - I need to listen to something besides the sound of my own voice. This is the first time I've ever thought that so I know that the lack of Lauren Graham's voice in my apartment is really getting to me.

5:34 PM - I listen to an indie cover of a Bee Gees song. Solid choice.

6:58 PM - It's now or never. I need to have dinner. Not because I'm hungry but because after hours of darkness, I'm bored. Boredom is the source of 97% of my caloric intake. I open the fridge quickly and pull out turkey.

7:22 PM - I have now eaten half a pound of turkey by myself in less than 24 hours. Call me Beyonce cause I ain't sorry.

7:23 PM - I start to think I really ought to light some candles. Isn't that what they did in the olden days?

7:24 PM - I locate the fire extinguisher.

7:25 PM - I break down and light candles. I HATE lighting multiple candles and I especially HATE lighting candles in the same room as cats. I'm very paranoid and afraid that they will knock them over and I'll be one of those morons who manages to start a fire in a monsoon.

7:32 PM - The cats run across an end table that holds a candle. I move the candle to the highest possible altitude and inform the cats that if they start a fire I will grab the nearest books and promptly leave them to burn.

8:21 PM - I need to shave and wash my hair but I'm not looking forward to the cold water. I blow out all the candles in the living room because I don't trust the cats at all. I light a different assortment of candles in my bathroom. I call the scent pumpkin-eucalyptus-mahogany-ocean breeze. Yummy.

8:23 PM - Miracle of all miracles I still have hot water. I'm excited about the hot water but a little concerned that I definitely have no idea how science works because I've spent 7 hours thinking the power would affect my water temperature.

8:24 PM - I'm particularly thankful for Brendan and Chelsea for buying me an assortment of Bath & Body Works' finest over the years. What would I do without those two and Butterfingers?

8:25 PM - Due to the whole not electricity thing my bathroom is really dark and I can't read in there. I get super bored.

8:27 PM - I have a revelation. All day I've been thinking that if things get really bad I can watch YouTube videos on my laptop. It is not until precisely 8:27 PM that I realize my computer can't connect to the internet because the power is out. The power that controls the wifi. I'm an idiot.

9:00 PM -  I am SOOO glad I never saw Lights Out.

9:17 PM - I hear a curious beep and despite literal hours of hoping for that very beep I do not immediately recognize it as the power coming back on.

9:18 PM - Luckily the sound of everyone in my apartment complex cheering solves the mystery of the phantom beep for me. The power is back. Mankind is saved. And more importantly, I can watch Lin-Manuel Miranda on Saturday Night Live after all.

9:19 PM - Some guy outside yells "BENJAMIN FRANKLIN!"

Benjamin Franklin indeed.

Pumpkin Pietronus

Have you taken & been disappointed by Buzzfeed's food patronus quiz? I got wine as my food patronus. The fact that I got anything other than bread, pizza or cookies is unacceptable enough but I don't even drink. My friend Meagan took the quiz and got kale. I would NEVER be friends with someone who eats kale. So I made my own quiz because it's 2016 and apparently I have to do EVERYTHING in this great nation.


What is your fall food patronus? 
1. What is your favorite thing about fall?
A. Pumpkin spice EVERYTHING 
B. Tailgating! 
C. Thanksgiving
D. HALLOWEEN!
E. Ummm...nothing?

2. What's your favorite color?
A. Pink!
B. All of them 
C. Blue
D. Black
E. Green

3. What would you rather be for Halloween?
A. A cat 
B. A group costume 
C. A witch
D. Something super original and intricate
E. Anything I can be with items I already own

4. What is your favorite part of Thanksgiving?
A. Selfies with my fam 
B. Being with family 
C. Turkey
D. Black Friday!
E. The food

5. What is your favorite fall decoration?
A. Painted mini pumpkins! 
B. Plaid blankets in warm tones for snuggling 
C. Pumpkins
D. Spider webs, skulls, witches and ghosts
E. Leaves are okay I guess

6. What would you bring to a tailgate?
A. Pizza dip
B. Wings
C. Pigs in a blanket 
D. Cannolis that look like fingers
E. A bag of chips

7. What is your favorite television show?
A. Grey's Anatomy
B. Friday Night Lights
C. Everybody Loves Raymond
D. American Horror Story
E. Friends


Mostly As
Pumpkin Spice Latte
You're a typical "fall is life" girl who appreciates all things instagrammable about the season. Pumpkin patches, plaid and of course PSLs. Your fingers are itching to use those falling leaves emojis all year.
I only ask that you try to stick to my simple rule of elbows and/or knees showing = no scarves. 

Mostly Bs
S'mores
You love that fall brings people together. Bonfires. Football games. Apple picking. You love any snack you can share with friends and come autumn, you can be found with s'more friends in Adirondack chairs around a fire. 
Bonus points if you make me a s'mores dip, I am DYING to try one of those.

Mostly Cs
Sweet Potato Casserole
You're a conventional soul who appreciates family and all of the traditions associated with fall. Like a sweet potato casserole with nuts, marshmallows and what is technically a vegetable I believe, you're appreciated by everyone.
Except me. I hate sweet potatoes.

Mostly Ds
Halloween Candy
You LIVE for Halloween. Though normally super sweet, you're don't shy away from the sour. While you couldn't care less about falling leaves or fall decor, you decorate for Halloween on October 1st and plan your costumes a year in advance. November 1st begins the planning for next Hallows' Eve.
My own fall food patronus is Halloween candy so congrats! You win the quiz!

Mostly Es
Tomato Basil Soup 
You're not entirely on board with this whole fall thing but still love me enough to take this quiz. Like a thick tomato basil soup, you can be enjoyed year round but just seem better in the fall. Especially with a grilled cheese hot off the Snackmaster.
Snackmaster didn't even pay me to seamlessly incorporate that product promotion.

Mixed Answers
Chili
You value all the different aspects of fall, like a versatile chili. Throw in some venison during deer season, turkey around Thanksgiving and add more chili powder the colder it gets.
Just don't add corn that's weird. Actually, don't add any vegetables.