MAKEUP: Learn the Levels of Female Faces

Contrary to popular male opinion, make up is not black and white (or to be more realistic, nude and beige). My guy friends seem to think girls are either wearing make up or not wearing make up, but the reality is much more of a spectrum. Below I have outlined that spectrum and explained all the levels of female faces. From walking dead to Adam Lambert, this list explains every possible degree of makeup girls wear.

1) Just woke up from a long night lookin like a 12 year old run over by a lawn mower makeup
     -This is the most severe face a female can have. After a long night and not a lot of sleep, we sometimes wake up looking like a hairless chihuahua. We're sorry.

2) Just woke up from a long night lookin like Kim Kardashian run over by a lawn mower makeup
     -The difference between level 2 and level 1 is that in level 2, said female did not remove her makeup before going to bed. The result is bed head, matted mascara, smeared eyeshadow and streaky bronzer. Or basically Snooki.

3) No makeup makeup
     -This is the first level at which a female will allow herself to be photographed or seen in public. No makeup makeup describes those days when you just wake up pretty. You obviously don't look your best, but for some reason you think you look pretty darn okay. WARNING: this is probably just a good lighting illusion that getting out of bed will ruin.

4) Face makeup only makeup
     -Girls with bad skin will often wear only foundation and then talk about how they "don't need makeup". It's tres annoying and tres hypocritical. 

5) Mascara only makeup
     -For the bold. I use this often to make myself think I'm made up and looking good but at some point in the day I realize I look basically the exact same as I do with no makeup on. 

6) Just took my makeup off  makeup
     -At this level, there is still a hint of eyeliner and your skin is glowing (this is due to the fact that all of your pores are smiling because they are happy they can breathe again). Your smile is beautiful because it just feels so good to take your makeup off. The downside is that this look inspires thousands of "no makeup!" selfies.

7) Beyonce natural makeup
     -For those females who are practically perfect, a bit of powder and mascara with a cute lip color  works just fine. If you are not actually Beyonce, this will not produce the desired effect on your face.

8) Olsen twin/wearing every eye makeup known to womankind makeup
     -Also known as the "grunge" look. I don't recommend it. Girls often think the more eye makeup the better, but they end up looking like Taylor Momsen (in real life, not Gossip Girl).

9) I'm 11 and just discovered glitter makeup
    -Think Ke$ha but with less restraint. This is the day to day look of many middle school cheerleaders. Glitter lip gloss, glitter eyeliner, glitter eyeshadow, glitter powder. It's like a snow globe convention on your face. Ew.

10) I hit puberty and want to distract from my zits with all this eyeshadow makeup
      -All girls are insecure, so to hide bad skin, we often just use more eye makeup (beware of bad eyelash days). This look is so bad it's good. It's not too bad for the junior high years, it's almost expected. If you didn't use this in middle school, I don't trust you.

11) I'm in high school so I think I know what I'm doing makeup
      -Every year of high school I said to myself "Yes! You've finally found your signature look!" and every year of high school I looked completely different from the previous year. Overall this is a fairly decent look, the one catch is that girls in high school almost always either look younger or older than they actually are. Think about it.

12) Everyday makeup
       -The makeup that any given girl wears everyday that she needs to wear makeup. Often consists of at least face makeup and mascara. Overachievers shoot for eyeliner and eyeshadow. NOTE: this should be different from your special occasion makeup! You can't treat everyday like it's your wedding day!

13) I want to look pretty today makeup
      -For those days when you need a little extra something to make yourself feel better. I find that blush or a cute eyeshadow normally does the trick. Never underestimate the magic of filling in your eyebrows.

14) I'm seeing my crush today makeup
      -Very similar to level 13, but with more accurate precision and lip gloss that is constantly reapplied. You want your lips to look kissable and your eyelashes to look flirty. Once you take a cute pic of yourself winking, you know you're ready to face the day.

15) I'm being photographed today makeup
      -There is a complex equation used to determine whether makeup is picture perfect or not. The short answer is as long as you spent over 7 minutes applying your makeup, it should be photo-ready. This is very similar to level 14 but with more intense precision.

16) Super special occasion makeup
      -Used for proms, weddings, first dates, formals any day you might see a celebrity, etc...This is a combination of level 15 and level 17. It's more make up than you would normally wear but not so much that it looks cakey. You look good in both pictures and real life. More time goes into this look.

17) I keep going into rooms with different lighting so I keep putting on more makeup makeup
       -This typically occurs when a girl is ready for a night out but still waiting on her friends. She nervously shuffles from room to room, finding more makeup to wear. The end result can be summed up in 2 words. Marilyn Manson. Once you are ready, just step away from the blush and no one will get hurt.

If All Rappers Were Women

Last week's post was all about how women should learn more about sports. This week I want to begin by clarifying that I do not promote women getting more involved in sports. There are already several sports with too much female participation thanks to Title IX. I mean the WNBA has 12 whole teams! NASCAR has 1 woman driver! What is this world coming to?!

So my message to women is leave sports alone and enter the rap scene. I think that women have a lot to contribute to rap. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that a lot of my favorite rap songs could be easily remixed by women. I mean as a girl, I personally don’t really connect with songs about baby mama drama, hot girls, or being "turned up". And I definitely do not know the feeling of having money to blow. Maybe I would listen to rap more if there were more rap songs about subjects I can relate to, like boys being stupid or shopping.

 The following is a list of girl-approved rap remixes. Keep an eye out for my first mix tape.

“I Woke Up In A New Bugatti”

“I Woke Up In A Pile of Candy Bar Wrappers”

Because every girl knows this feeling. You pretend you got a brown bedspread because it works well with your throw pillows, but I know you needed to be able to hide the chocolate stains. I know.

“Started From the Bottom”

“Started at the Bottoms Now We at the Tops”

I am a firm believer that there are currently not enough songs about shopping. And every girl knows that feeling of accidentally starting a shopping trip in the pants and searching for shirts last. It just feels wrong the whole day and it can really throw your game off.

“Money to Blow”

“Money For Shoes”

Much like most rappers, women spend money that they don’t have. If I had a dollar for every pair of shoes I bought in the wrong size just because they were cute and on sale, then I could squeeze my feet into some new size 8 wedges.

“I’m So Paid”

“I’m So Delayed”

Women are always late. You know it, and here’s a shocker, we know it too. It’s hard, time-consuming work being beautiful. Sorry not sorry.

“Confessions”

“Contractions”

There are plenty of rap songs about teenagers having kids, I think a song from a woman’s point of view about the pains of childbirth could maybe convince some kids that there is actually a reason to wait to have children.

“We Takin Over”

“We Bakin Pop Overs”

All girls cook. All of them. And we all feel under-appreciated for it. The women of the twenty-first century slave over hot microwaves and toil at toaster ovens to provide home-cooked meals for their families. It’s time we give them some recognition.

“Bring it Back”

“Put it Back”

Let me tell you, shopping with children is a doozy. I can barely stand to take one of my younger brothers to the grocery store with me. The last time I took them both I threatened to crash the car on the way home and kill us all. True story. They had nightmares for weeks. My Mom was pissed.

“Mr. Carter”

“Mrs. Clooney”

It is every woman’s not-so-secret dream to marry George Clooney. Think about it. Why else would women keep dating him when all the signs point to a public break up and him getting a new, hotter, younger girlfriend in a week?

Why Girls Should Care About Sports

If you're anything like me, you are extremely awkward around the opposite sex. Or around the same sex. Or just in general. It's totally not your fault. Probably. It's natural for males and females to have a difficult time communicating. This is primarily because our interests lie in different areas. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to use "Did you go to that sale at Victoria's Secret?" to break the ice with a cute guy. As far as I can tell, it doesn't work. Girls tend to care about the more important things in life and boys focus on the more dumb and idiotic things. But believe it or not, we can find some common ground here.

If you want to be able to talk to guys, you need to have at least a working knowledge of most sports. When I say "sports" I obviously mean football, basketball or baseball. This is America. Soccer of course does not count. And as far as I'm concerned, golf and NASCAR aren't really things. But women need to know enough about the 3 real sports to carry on a conversation. Please note that here, basketball does not include the WNBA.

With all of the major sports, keeping up with college teams is one thing. But if you follow it professionally, the boys will be really impressed. My sport, for instance, is basketball. I picked my NBA team based on my unending love and single-minded obsession over a hot guy who plays for them. I recommend you do the same. It's easier than you might think to learn about sports. If you have brothers, you probably already know plenty.

If a guy brings up something sports-related that you know nothing about, all you have to do is lie or make something up. As long as you can look cute and throw in at least one real fact, the guy will forgive you for not knowing who Mark Cuban is. Some examples:
"I don't want to talk about him, he's a jerk."
"I don't follow that team because their colors are orange and gold. Tacky."
"Oh yeah, I always get Reggie Miller and Reggie Bush mixed up."
"I like the team with the dinosaur man and the bird man. Flame?"
"I don't like their coach. He has a creepy mustache."

If you are still not convinced that it's time to brush up on your ESPN, below is a pros and cons list.

Perks of Being Able to Talk Sports With Guys
-you get to talk to cute boys
-you can watch games with cute boys
-if you're really good, you can go to games with cute boys
-watching sporting events is really just watching hot guys run around
-you can make bets on games with cute boys (loser has to buy the winner lunch, tres cute)
-you can get matching jerseys with your boyfriend
-you can go to sports bars with cute boys
-you can make friends with cute boys just by pulling for the same team

Possible Downsides of Being Able to Talk Sports With Guys
-being considered "one of the guys" which means you are friendzoned
-making enemies with cute boys by pulling for the wrong team
-cute boys thinking it is okay to make all your dates sporting events
-cute boys thinking it is okay not to text back while a game is on
-there is a very, very slim chance of accidentally having a sports-themed wedding, very slim

Instagram: DOs and DON'T Even Think About Its

Today I'm going to discuss one of my favorite things about the 21st century. Social media. Due to my parents' formidable resistance to buying me a decent phone, I joined the world of social media fairly late in life. I was in college when I got a Twitter account, practically ancient by modern social media standards. I like Twitter but I really like Instagram. Or as I like to call it, Twitter for the illiterate. Nothing can compare to the rush I feel when I see a flash of orange pop up at the bottom right of my Instagram feed. It's like a badge of honor that says "I'm important! You like me! You really like me!" And you can make fun of me all you want, because I know you all think it too.

Below are some guidelines that I think everyone should follow but most people completely ignore. You can feel free to ignore me as well, I'm used to it.

Age
There's an interesting phenomenon occurring where as I get older, the kids who have Instagrams get younger. I'm afraid that next year I will see 8 year olds posting pictures of the thongs they just bought at Victoria's Secret. Some would think it is inappropriate of me to suggest that, but I'm telling you, that's where we're headed.
I personally feel like if you cannot yet spell Instagram, maybe you shouldn't have one?

Relationships
The proper way to handle a relationship on Instagram is directly correlated to your age. Who else has seen a 4th grader post a picture of a stuffed animal with something like "I have the best boyfriend ever!" Oh my goodness you are like 10 years old making this Instagram with your mother's iPad. You talk to your boyfriend like once a week at school. Just stop. I beg of you, wait until puberty at the very least.
And another thing. If I see a picture on my Instagram feed of a couple, I am going to do some stalking. I am going to use Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, maybe a background search for good measure, to find out everything about these random people I don't know. Why, you might ask? Because I'm crazy like that. I reserve the right to social media stalk anyone and everyone. And I WILL exercise that right.
That being said, if you post several pictures with one guy who I know is not related to you, and then all of a sudden start posting multiple other pictures with another guy not in your family, I'm gonna be like "What? She has a new guy already? I didn't even know they broke up. Wow." and proceed to talk about it with others because I'm your friend and that's what I'm here for.

Selfies
Selfies are a tricky business. There are 2 different sets of rules for male and female selfies. Attractive males can take and post as many selfies as they want on 3 conditions. 1) said male is a genuinely nice person 2) said male is fully clothed at least 50% of the time and 3) said male is single.
Now for girls, all those rules go out the window. Girls will constantly accuse each other of posting too many selfies. I happen to think you can post as many selfies as you want, provided you do it the right way. If your entire Instagram is a compilation of pictures you have taken of your face, we have a problem. But a selfie every now and then to remind everyone how awesome you are can be a good thing.
Girls are complete hypocrites when it comes to selfies. If I see a girl I don't like who posts a lot of selfies I'm gonna be like "Dang, like your face much?" At the same time, if I see a girl I don't like who doesn't post many selfies I'm gonna say something like "What are you trying to hide? Are you secretly ugly?" At the end of the day, if I am trying to stalk you, I want to see selfies!
The bottom line is, if you are a girl who can't remember all the rules about selfies, as long as you don't post a selfie with a completely irrelevant quote or song lyric, we're good.

Mirror Pics
A close cousin of selfies, mirror pics are when others can clearly see your phone in the picture because you are taking a photo of your reflection, which is kind of a lie. Your reflection looks nothing like you, it's pure science! That's like me posting a picture of my shadow with the caption "looking tall and skinny today". That's not real life. Liar.
Don't do mirror pics. Ever. There is literally no situation I can think of that will make a mirror pic okay. If you absolutely must take a photo of your outfit in the mirror, have the decency to crop your phone out of the picture you post.