Reindeer Wanted

Merry Christmas! Today I want to discuss the lesser known side jobs of Santa's reindeer. We all know holiday work can be a great way to make some extra cash. I was considering working at A.C. Moore during my Christmas break. That's where a lot of my money goes anyway, why not cut out the middle man? But when I considered how much of my break I would be spending on painkillers post-op I decided to leave the good people of Apex alone. 

As fun as holiday jobs can be, they are not sustainable for most lifestyles. Working a few weeks during December will most likely not afford you the goods and services you want to buy year round. And working one night a year definitely doesn't provide you with enough income to bring home the carrots. Santa himself only works one night a year but his income is supplemented by the sales tax collected on Black Friday. Obviously. So he's set. And what a lot of people don't realize is that Mrs. Claus's maiden name is Fields so she keeps a separate bank account with the earnings from her cookie empire. The elves are gainfully employed year-round making toys. 

That just leaves the reindeer. They all have second jobs. On the night of December 24th they are reindeer, but December 26th - December 23rd here's where you can find Santa's caribou.

Dasher makes his money at the tracks, betting he can beat out any other ungulate. He also freelances as a medicine runner similar to Balto.

Look closely in the background of the next music video you watch and you might just see Dancer cutting a rug.

Santa has been known to earn some extra cash posing at malls and Prancer took that route too, you can rent Prancer for your children's birthday party 363 days a year!

Vixen actually refuses to get a job so she is always on the hunt for a sugar daddy to pay her bills.

Comet got a sweet gig. He is on a rotating schedule to appear in the night sky a few times a year around the world. 

Cupid is the most enterprising of the reindeer and he runs a successful match making business.

Donner earns his keep by leading parties through difficult mountain passes near the North Pole. Sure one didn't go as planned but he has the kinks worked out now.

Last but not least, Blitzen pays the bills as a professional in the Canadian reindeer football league. 

wherever You would call me

I am currently working on recovering from wisdom teeth removal, which I will be blogging about soon, but in the meantime I wanted to share some exciting news with you all!

Exactly one week ago I learned that I got a spot on the ORIGINS 2019 team! In June I will be traveling to the Holy Land to volunteer alongside Israelis at a hospital.

I am super excited for this experience and have started studying up thanks to some book donations from my brother.

Many of you probably know all about my obsession with the Middle East, my passion for Israel and my love of volunteering. Does Dance Marathon ring a bell? I know I NEVER mention it. I first applied for this mission trip through an essay contest where 1st place would win a paid trip and 2nd place would win a half-paid trip. We can only assume I came in 3rd.

Part of the reason I am so fascinated by Israel and the Middle East is my own heritage. Guys frequently ask if I have Italian ancestry (maybe it's all the pasta and bread?) and when I speak Spanish in the classroom my students assume I'm Hispanic porque mi espanol es muy bueno y yo se cuando ellos usan mal lenguaje en espanol. Thanks to some recent DNA testing and the research my family did trying to find a bone marrow donor for my grandfather when he had leukemia, I have discovered that my paternal great-great-grandmother was Portuguese. A Sephardic Jew. Which is what I have been telling people since 2010 based on a series of guesses and unfounded assumptions. 

I feel extremely blessed to have this opportunity to travel to Israel but I will need to raise $2,000 to make this a reality. And that's the easy part. I also had to tell my mother I would be traveling to the other side of the world for the second year in a row. When I told her how long I would be gone for, she seemed relieved that it was only 8-10 days. But then I had to point out that she heard me wrong and it's really 18 days and she literally laid down on the floor. Pray for Missy.

I am starting my fundraising efforts now because I figured some people might be interested in a last minute tax refund before 2018 ends. Everyone who donates will receive a thank you sticker, letter explaining the mission, a slip to send in so that the money goes to my fundraising account and one of my blog business cards so you can keep up with my progress and travels.

If you are interested in receiving a fundraising letter from me please complete this Google form and I will mail you one! The form is also embedded at the bottom of this post whatever that means. If you are related to me by blood you are getting one no matter what. There is no unsubscribe button for you.

Slay Belles

Enjoy a 3 part makeup tutorial brought to you by my roommate Emily. I figured you guys might be interested in tips & tricks from someone who actually knows what they are doing & I wanted cute snow pics so this was a real win-win for me. Really beating 2 birds' faces with one beauty blender here. Someone explain that phrase to PETA.

And if you think that I watch these videos before I post them you are drastically overestimating how much I care.








Some pics of the finished lewk.

A Brief Inquiry Into (My) Online Relationships

So, as we all know,  I like to date. Online date. Okay well I don't particularly like it but it's a necessary evil. An evolutionary stepping stone standing between me and the children I hope to someday raise and vaccinate.

Online dating is different from...in person dating? What do we call that? Sounds fake. Something I have had to come to terms with is that not every online match leads to a date. I would say my closure rate is a solid 1-2%. Not to brag. Meet cutes exist in romcoms but in my life - a Raecom, if you will, we get match cutes. And not very many. A lot of online conversations are full of puns (on their end), sarcasm (on my end) and all around cringey.

But every once in a while I find someone who makes decent conversation. Like Bob.*

I chatted with Bob for months. Mostly just small talk and getting to know one another. Some mild flirtations but we lived far apart and never met or planned to go on a date. In the last month or so I did notice that we weren't talking as much. I mentioned that and Bob said that he was just busy with work and he wasn't getting my message notifications for some reason.

I know what you are all thinking. Bob is ghosting me. Bob met someone else. Bob got tired of me. Bob forgot my hut number. Or got eaten by a lion. Well you're all wrong. This story is about to take a sharp left turn.

I told Bob that I missed him and he asked what I missed. I assumed he just wanted an ego boost because he is a male. I told him I missed talking to him and seeing his face.

He sent me a picture and said "this face? with my wife...OF FIVE YEARS?" and the picture was of him and a woman who I can only assume is his wife. Of five years.** 

This was news to me! So after my basic "ummm...what?" response, I spent the rest of the day freaking out. And of course adding more messages to cover all the bases.

First you have your run-of-the-mill "you're such a liar" to provide evidence that I had no idea he was married. Then I had to throw in an "I'm glad we never met" so anyone reading these messages off Bob's phone or in a court of law knows that there was no face-to-face interaction.

After putting on my detective hat...I decided that the picture and last message definitely came from his wife, a woman we'll call Bob's wife.*** The first clue...Bob said he wasn't getting my notifications (if Bob even is his real name) (oh wait it's not I made that up). A possible explanation is that his wife logged into his account on her phone so his phone logged him out while someone else was using it. I mean I'm not a scientist, I don't know. But that's my best guess. The second clue was that Bob probably wouldn't tell me he was married. All signs pointed to Bob's wife.

I worried that she was going to make me appear on the Dr. Phil show with her and Bob where I would be introduced as a home wrecker and booed by the studio audience. I of course want to meet Dr. Phil...but not like this.

After a long day of picturing random members of the public coming to my defense and Dr. Phil McGraw explaining that I was a victim in all of this too while Bob's wife is being held back by security members as this has taken a Jerry Springer turn, she finally opened my confused and surprised messages. I decided it was time for a proper introduction.

"Is this Bob's wife?" I asked, afraid of how she would respond and worried that I was making things worse.

Her response? "Hi."

I apologized profusely, assured her that I had no idea and that we never met and that she deserves so much better.

And Bob's wife said that she was sorry for dropping a bombshell on me. SHE apologized to ME. I told her she didn't have to apologize for anything, she told me that she knew I had no idea he was married and that I deserved better too. And that's the story of how Bob's wife and I became best friends.

I'm thinking of sending her a Christmas card. But I don't have her address. Or phone number. Or name. Last I heard she was gathering evidence to confront Bob and I wish her all the luck in that (#GIRLGANG). I'm dying for an update but this is one story I might never get to the bottom of. It's now a mystery right up there with who killed JonBenet and is Minnesota actually part of Canada.

And maybe some stories are better left unfinished. I would love to message Bob again and hope that his wife would reply and update me on happenings that are none of my business but hey, I'm not married to the idea.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
**Okay names also changed to protect the guilty.
***I don't actually know her name but I highly doubt her birth certificate reads "Bob's wife" so this alias seems safe.

UNboxing

My students know a lot more about YouTube than I do and they have informed me about this trend called "unboxing videos" where beauty influencers (such as myself?) open packages of makeup and then review the products.

Opening packages is one of my favorite things so I gave it a shot. I won't be reviewing the products because A) that would be a long video and I don't think anyone is interested in hearing me talk for that long based on the feedback I get from my students and B) I am not about to put on a full face of expensive makeup when I don't have to be in public later. Honestly y'all are lucky I'm wearing makeup in the video. You're welcome.

Please keep in mind that this weekend at Sephora a woman stopped me to ask me a question because she thought I worked there. Is that because my makeup looked amazing or because I was wearing all black? The world will never know.

Playbook

Today I am sharing my Playbook, a collection of spoofs, mashups and parodies for musical theatre that I have painstakingly created over the past weekend. If you like musicals, then boy is this the post for you! But if you don't care for Broadway, you are going to be really confused and bored and I won't take it personally if you just re-read an old post this week.

I used the website Canva to make these playbill mockups but I also used some amazing artwork from the internet. Here is a list of the websites and resources I used for some of the images seen in this post.

Dorm Room Karaoke: You Need to Go Away

You Need to Go Away

Yeahhh

You are

A liar

How did I

Desire

To be

With you

I didn’t have a clue

And we are two worlds apart

Why did you go and break my heart

When you said

I’ll love you always

Tell me who

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

Tell me who

Wherever did you meet her

Tell me who

I never wanna see your face

You need to go away

You’re my

worst mistake

I wish

I had a retake (or cheesecake)

You better know

It’s tooooo late

You need to go away

Tell me who

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

(Tell me who)

Why did you retweet her

Tell me who

I never wanna see your face

Youuuu need to go away

Now I just love

That you’re fallin apart

Just thinkin how we used to be

Yeah

No matter the sorries

I want you to know

You’ll never get over me

You are

pathetic

I really

Regret it

You suck, (you suck), you suck, (you suck)

Don’t wanna see youuuuuuuu

(Babbbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

And I thought you were a keeper

(Don’t wanna see your face)

I never wanna see your face

(Oh yeah)

You need to go away

(Tell me who)

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

(Teeeellll me who)

And I thought you were a keeper

Tell me who

I never wanna see your face

(Don’t wanna see your face)

You need to go away

(Tell me whoooooooo)

Ain’t nothing but a cheater

Tell me who

I can’t believe you retweeted her

Tell me who

You need to go away

You need to go away

Cause you need to go away

$911

Since the midterms were yesterday I want to get a little political and talk about healthcare.

What do I know about healthcare? Well this one time, in college, I helped run a medical non-profit. And that's my experience with that.

Since becoming an adult I have had to get more closely acquainted with our healthcare system. Making and spending your own money is all fun and games until you get a doctor's bill. Or have to buy something dumb like sunscreen or batteries. Doctors are not cheap. And specialists are definitely not cheap. Perhaps my aforementioned distaste for buying sunscreen led me to a $94 dermatologist bill. The dermatologist is the most expensive of my doctors but it's also the only place they don't weigh me so it's honestly worth it.

I once heard a British comedienne say that she would much rather a friend call her an Uber than an ambulance if she needed quick medical treatment and I could not agree more. Do the British even have ambulances? They probably don't need them, England is smaller than Alabama. Even in remote areas you can't be more than what, 20, 30 kilometers from a hospital? I have no idea what a kilometer is because I never learned British numbers but that sounds pretty accurate.

I did some research (Okay, I skimmed 2 pages of Google results. I did not actually click the links, how much time do y'all think I have?) and it would appear that the average ambulance ride costs well over $500. 

A basic ambulance (access to bandaids, maybe some Neosporin) will run you at least $600 while an advanced ambulance (opioids? idk) starts at $1,000. Is it like Enterprise and if they only have advanced ambulances left you have to pay the higher rate? Can no one come up with an ambulance pool option? Like maybe, homeboy on the next block is in anaphylactic shock, I'm in cardiac arrest and we can split it because we need separate equipment?

You may also incur additional charges for miles traveled or equipment used. What if you're an out-of-towner and your ambulance driver takes the long way? Does the meter run if they arrive at the hospital but can't move you inside until they stabilize your neck? 

And what about the equipment used? Can you like, give the EMTs a spending limit like you would give a veterinarian? Or maybe they should come up with a build your own combo option. Maybe you'd like access to to the defibrillator with a side of oxygen and a backboard? $199.99! Substitute bandages for the backboard for an additional $19.99!

So after much thought I have decided that no one should - under any circumstances - call me an ambulance. If I am in need of emergency medical services I would suggest calling Uber and saying a prayer. Crossing your fingers couldn't hurt. But if I am in an ambulance, I better die.

Luckily, I have been able to avoid needing an ambulance for 25 years now. But I still haven't escaped ridiculous medical costs. I've had 2 root canals, multiple cavities, years and years of therapy and stitches. That ain't cheap. Not to mention breaking a few fingers and toes and refusing to seek medical treatment. I saved a lot of money that way but do have some permanent nerve damage in my left hand that leaves me unable to count to 3 on my fingers. Oops.

I've been pretty fortunate in the medical emergency department but I really make up for it in dental expenses. I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed 6 days before Christmas. And not because I'm a sadist but because I'm on the "get this done while I'm still on my dad's insurance" plan. Today is my half birthday. I am a mere 6 months away from being on the wrong side of 25.

The costs are only going to get higher. It's like inflation but for the human body. What used to need a bandaid now needs a week of recovery. In 10 years maybe it will need physical therapy. And 10 years after that? A knee replacement. I can't afford to get any older.

What does this mean for healthcare reform? I have no idea. But nobody puts baby in an ambulance.

Popular Like Me

Happy All Hallows' Eve! I love how that name indicates that Halloween is simply the eve of something even bigger. November 1st. Discount Halloween candy & decorations day. I can't wait!

Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday. Okay, it's tied with Black Friday. But still. I make sure my classroom is completely decked out with battery-powered candles, window gel clings, fake blood, pumpkins, bats and more by October 1st and try to keep the fire hazards to a minimum.

A lot of my friends don't dress up anymore since graduating college ruins your life. As a teacher I definitely don't go to a Halloween rager in the middle of the week but I do get to have 2 Halloweens. There's actual Halloween and then spirit week which always has some sort of costume day. 

I take spirit week very seriously. So for Wacky Character Wednesday I wanted to do something not just creative, but iconic. I'm not in the business of giving 90%. So I went as Elphaba. With green face paint. The witch hat. A broom. And the book.

Don't worry, I didn't decorate my door just for spirit week. It's been like that all year. And to take my costume to the next level, I asked my co-worker to be my Galinda!

I really wish I had known that Walmart had sequin good witch/bad witch dresses so we could have matched but honestly, I think he wears it better.

The green face paint was every bit as annoying as one would think but hey, I'm fervid as a flame. A verdigris flame.


This is the face paint AFTER I took a layer off. I will admit the initial look was more Charo from Thumbelina than Idina from Broadway.

I needed special tools to help remove the paint. A green washcloth so nothing would get ruined and I figured a makeup remover called "green clean" would be perfect for the job.

And it did (mostly) come off. Which made it look like I used a Kermit the Frog bath bomb. I asked my boss HYPOTHETICALLY how mad he would be if the paint didn't come off as well as one would have hoped but luckily the next day was school colors day. My school colors are blue and yellow so I just told kids I took the 2 in 1 approach and taught them that blue and yellow make green.

Since I am so obsessed with Wicked, naturally I was thrilled when they announced their 15th anniversary Halloween celebration.


And as excited as I was, don't get me wrong, I was worried for Ariana. I want her to take all the time she needs (no more than 30 days) to heal from her cancelled engagement but I also needed her to perform. And luckily for me...

Someone disagreed with me and I almost had to go Azealia Banks on them. But I didn't.


Of course I live tweeted the entire event. You're welcome.



And posted a healthy amount of picture to my Snapchat story for good measure.


Missy even tried to care for a second. That's huge.

But a new day calls for a new costume so today I am Stevie Nicks complete with a black embroidered and fringed shawl, black fingerless gloves, chunky black boots, black eyeliner and a black top hat. I sang Fleetwood Mac songs to my students all day and attempted to explain the importance of jukebox musicals in society.

Meanwhile, my dad asked to meet me for dinner and if he seriously thought I would wear street clothes on Halloween, that's on him. Happy Halloween!