iGeneration: Why 2000s Kids Can't Hang

If you know me personally, which let's face it, most of you do because you read this blog as a personal favor to me (which in no way diminishes my appreciation), then you know that I am often surrounded by an entourage of dance marathoners. But while it may come as a surprise that there are people who voluntarily spend time with me, I do have other friends at Carolina. Most of my time on campus not spent in the Carolina FTK office was spent in Carroll Hall, home of the UNC J School. So for the record, I would like it noted that I have exactly 1 friend in the J School. I have plenty of friends that I met and then later discovered that they were Journalism majors but our paths initially crossed elsewhere. And there are several classmates of mine who were forced to be my friend thanks to group projects, partner work and in-class discussions. In fact, thanks to a remarkable dedication to group projects and the many talents of my colleagues, my group message history reads like a future who's who of Ad Age. But my friend Sarah is the only person who willingly entered into a friendship with me before her GPA depended on it, and for that, we thank you.

Today's blogpost is inspired by a conversation I had with Sarah among the toy aisles in Wal-Mart, where we do some of our best work. Sarah and I have worked on many an assignment together with her doing all the technical work and contributing fantastic ideas while I tell jokes and struggle with the pen tool in Illustrator. We reminisced about how the toys of our youth were so much better than the crap kids play with today. We scoffed at the teddy bears with a pocket to charge baby's first iPhone and the robots that serve as speakers for your toddler's iPod. In the words of white girls everywhere "I literally can't". And if you've bought your small child an electronic device worth over $20 don't tell me it's so they can learn to use technology. I didn't have a smart phone until I was in college and I'm plenty tech-savvy, I can hashtag and I can filter, what more could I need? Disregarding of course the fact that I'm typing this post on my phone because I can't get my laptop to open Firefox and my only known solution (a restart) failed. Our main revelation was that the toys we had growing up, while of a much higher quality, would never work with 2000s kids for a plethora of semi-obvious reasons. You 2000s kids can look up "plethora" on your tablet's dictionary. Maybe you even have a toy that will read the definition for you.

Here are the top 5 toys of my 90s childhood and the reasons why 2000s kids just wouldn't love them like I do. 

Easy-Bake Oven

Every girl my age remembers her Easy-Bake Oven, or at least remembers her mother giving it away (thnx Missy). I used to love whipping up treats that allegedly always tasted vaguely of hand soap because from a very young age my dedication to sanitation was unyielding. But I would never want to use it for anything other than nostalgic baking today, as brought to light by a recent pretzel-nuggets-that-could-double-as-bullets incident. The problem with Easy-Baking is that it literally consists of waiting on a lightbulb to cook a brownie or a cake or a Cornish game hen or whatever mixes they make for these spoiled 2000s kids that have iPads and Uggs before they can read. But in their defense, this lack of patience isn't entirely their fault. We have made numerous scientific advancements in the past 2 decades that are making waiting a thing of the past, no one survives unaffected. In the 1990s I had no problem waiting 30 minutes for that lightbulb to heat my heart-shaped brownie to perfection. In the 2000s I can't wait the recommended 2 minutes after microwaving a Hot Pocket, I bite right in each time, scorching off another layer of tongue skin in the process.

HitClips

HitClips were indisputably the coolest thing about me in my formative years. I didn't grow hair till I was 3, my own mother gave away my Easy-Bake Oven, and I did not wear "cool" clothes (unless you consider Lion King and 101 Dalmatians hand-me-downs from my cousins cool when my favorite movie was Aladdin and every outfit featuring Simba or Perdita felt like a lie, if you think that's cool then I was pretty rad). Thus, HitClips were my solitary claim to fame. But HitClips could never survive the current music market because only the top songs became HitClips, they aren’t called FlopHits, ya dig? Today’s HitClips would be Arianna Grande, Sam Smith and Taylor Swift tunes.  To better meet the audio needs of today’s tweens they would need to evolve into HipsterClips and would feature artists like Death Cab For Cutie and George Ezra. This theory of course ignores the most pressing issue facing HitClips...they did not play entire songs but rather a select 60 seconds.

Skip-It

Skip-Its. Now there's a toy that would serve Michelle Obama better than a turnip in a children's health video. At the peak of my adolescent fitness, a Skip-It could provide hours of entertainment, but they wouldn’t work with kids today for a few reasons. First of all, the kids would have to actually go outside. Perhaps a Skip-It Wii game could find moderate success? Additionally, if Skip-Its wanted to achieve high sales quotas today they would have to get rid of the tracker that counts the number of successful skips. That kind of quantifiable success data isn’t aligned with the “everyone’s a winner” mantra of today’s parents. But perhaps the biggest reason that the Skip-It could never make a 2000s comeback is that the very nature of skipping does not allow for quality photos, and we all know kids today are more likely to do it for the ‘gram than the game. I could see some good Skip-It vines though. Someone get too turnt tina on this.

View-Master

How great were these? I wish I still had mine. My little brother got an early 2000s version for Christmas one year that projected the images onto the wall and I played with it more than he did. I had Toy Story discs, ocean life discs, Animal Planet discs, dinosaur discs, and not so many friends. I miss these so much. But today’s kids would never appreciate the View-Master because the consist of images with no captions or hashtags. If 2000s kids got ahold of the design for a new View-Master they would probably include discs that show the same image in different Instagram filters and the toy would be used to settle on one.

Rock Tumbler

This was my favorite toy for such a long time and that is due largely to the fact that the process of rock tumbling takes such a long time. As soon as my high expectations for this contraption were shattered (so sometime during my first use) I moved on to a jewelry making kit. I’m pretty sure that 8-year-old me was so obsessed with my Rock Tumbler because I loved gemstones and I thought that given time, patience, and a never-ending supply of ordinary rocks, I could soon possess the world’s largest supply of diamonds. Unfortunately, try as I might to mass produce sapphires and rubies and emeralds, after 2 weeks, the handful of rocks from my driveway had transformed into slightly smoother rocks that inevitably went back to my driveway. So to be fair, Rock Tumbler kind of sucked and that's why it will never have a 2000s revival. However I do not think that the 2000s kids accustomed to electronics and iEverything would wait 14 days to play with rocks. Which makes them at least marginally smarter than my adolescent self.

What The Actual Lail

Disclaimer #1 This post will be about a bachelorette party.
Disclaimer #2 This post will still be appropriate, so keep reading Mom.

One of the few people strong enough to stay friends with me through the freak show that was middle school is getting married this Friday! So naturally, the girls had to get together for a very mild and tasteful bachelorette party where we painted our nails and watched a G-rated movie and went to bed by 9PM. When you've been friends for as long as we have, you can reminisce for hours. For some girls this might mean tales of proms past, stories from playing sports and going to school together and memories of sleepovers a decade ago. For us, it means remembering always being late to statistics, singing Christmas carols while doing wall sits, combined birthday dance parties and of course telling the story of the time Alex almost ate a french fry.

I've decided to recap the night via 3 main areas of interest: dinner, the hotel and mystery men. It makes sense if you don't think about it.

Dinner
Dinner included several orders of bacon mac & cheese and several waiters asking if I wanted a drink. After double fisting ice water for most of the meal, I finally just told the waiter that I couldn't drink because I was pregnant. "I don't drink" no one seems to understand, "I'm creating a life" they get. Dinner also spurred round 1 of embarrassing memories, like the french fry fiasco, and several nights that we had to piece together via snapchat stories the next day. Between concerts in Raleigh, parties in Greenville, frats in Chapel Hill and a dozen years of friendship, we had a lot of material to cover.

Hotel
Back at the hotel, the bride opened her presents, you know, daily devotionals for newlyweds, 100 prayers for all couples, something new, something blue and the like. As the bride prepared to throw away the wrapping paper and gift bags I leapt into action to salvage the tissue paper because that stuff is expensive. We ate cupcakes, sang kumbaya, and expertly applied lipstick as we were helping the bride kiss her single life goodbye (which some of us did better than others...my lipstick print looks beyond unfortunate and is one of my biggest regrets in life). In an interesting turn of events, the hotel room did not include a mini fridge so beverages (wine) were served out of a trashcan full of ice for the remainder of the evening. The trashcan wine cooler to actual trashcan ratio ended up being 2:1.

Mystery Men 
Yes. Men. Plural. Wearing all black, our coven of 13 ladies collecting quite the fan following throughout the night. I think this is thanks to a combination of factors: the heels we all very much regretted by the end of the night, an equal mix of awkward and amazing dance moves and of course, Chatham County charm. #NoNewFriends

Mystery Guys at the Bar
Apparently nothing says buy us drinks like a group of woo girls in a bachelorette party. Seriously, every time someone acknowledged us, we just had to woo, it's some weird science thing I think, an involuntary response. One gentleman in particular bought 3 rounds. We salute you.

Mystery Men on the Street
Oh these guys, let me tell you. The party paused to sit down on some benches and plan our next move, walking to Waffle House, when 3 guys approached us. After being delighted that we thought they seemed slightly younger than their 30 years, they guessed that we were around 25, which was terribly offensive to our group with a median age of 22. They then invited us to continue our party at their house and were genuinely surprised when we declined, somehow not understanding that given the choice of a stranger's house or Waffle House, we unanimously chose waffles.

Mystery Friend
This guy...where do I even begin? We first saw him in a bar when he came up to one of my friends like he had known her his whole life. He was 50% high fives and smiling, 50% awkward laughter and 50% barely intelligible small talk. And I realize that those numbers add up to over 100% and that is because this guy was so extra. We saw him again on the street and he asked us where his friends were. His friends that we had never seen before. But the real kicker was that as we were ending the night at the Cook-Out drive through, as one does, he appears again, stronger than ever before, as if he's had a power nap or a turbo charge or something. He was traipsing around the cars in line, spotted us and saw an open window in the sense that literally, our car windows were down, so we had another brief convo, sent him on his way, and promptly watched him open the door and enter the car in front of us, only to realize it was the wrong car. I sure hope that kid is alright.


This experience has given me some insight into what I would like my bachelorette party to consist of should the hand of God intervene and I find myself engaged.
First, there would be dinner, something to convey the class and caliber of the event. I'm thinking Golden Corral, but only one with a chocolate fountain. A lady has her standards.
Since we all know I'm getting married on July 4th, after dinner we would head to the beach, because why celebrate me for a night when you could celebrate me for an entire weekend? Heck, why stop there, take off the whole month of June and we'll just work on tan lines, cuticle care and eyebrow maintenance for 30 days.
Once we get to the beach house generously donated by a TBD individual, we will watch Saturday Night Live: Best of Justin Timberlake and play Cards Against Humanity, the party game for horrible people.
After I win Cards Against Humanity it will be time for...Globe Games! The series of games played with my globe, Richard, that only I enjoy. My ladies can take turns spinning the globe (after they wash their hands of course) and quizzing me on world capitals. Naturally, this could go on for hours.
Since I don't drink, we will take shots of brownie batter. This is not wrong.
After gossiping all night, we will frolic on the beach all the live long day, AKA I will read and swim in the ocean and everyone else will probably sleep.
My bachelorette party. A girl can dream.

[Bro]setta Stone

Let's be real, what guys say and what they actually mean are two completely different things. It's kind of like how when a girl says she's fine the only thing you can know for certain is that she is 100% not "fine" except for it's actually completely different from that. Because us girls generally just say the opposite of what we mean (It's fine = It's terrible, I'm okay = I'm going to die, I don't wear that anymore because it's too big = It is way too small now, thanks for reminding me, etc...) but with guys there's a whole cryptic system that even Benedict Cumberbatch couldn't figure out.

You asked me to help decode guy speak (or at least you would if this blog had some sort of feedback/questions mechanism) and your wish is my command. So I tried my hand at translating. One quick disclaimer: regardless of my level of interest I call every guy dude and apparently that makes me ill-equipped to give anyone boy advice. Don't take me as the gospel. Take me as more of The National Enquirer.


He says: "I love you."
He means: You said it first and it made me uncomfortable but the good new is I like you enough to lie to you. And after the first time I couldn't just stop saying it back so it will be a self-perpetuating lie until you dump me, I dump you, or I actually mean it. Place your bets now.

He says: "You look nice."
He means: Why do you look nice? Are you trying to impress someone? What's his name?

He says: "I was busy."
He means: Not so much in the sense that I was actually doing something, but more in the sense that I didn't want to talk to you.

He says: "Always."
He means: For the foreseeable future (i.e. the next month). Past that, don't try to hold me to this promise. I can remember how many points Jordan scored in game 3 against the Jazz in the 1998 NBA Finals, but I will not remember this.

He says: "I don't like labels."
He means: AKA, I don't like the label my girlfriend being on you.

He says: "You can't come over tonight we're having a guys' night."
He means: ...with a few girls, which is why you're not invited.

He says: "You're being crazy."
He means: It's crazy that you have emotions and you express them. I'm going to need you to work on that.

He says: "Oh her? We were just friends."
He means: With benefits. About a month ago. Just keep walking please if you don't make eye contact maybe it will go away.

He says: "You know my mom loves you."
He means: She loves you now that I told her we broke up to get her off my back. If we get married one of you will have to cave.

He says: "Yeah I'm totally looking for a serious relationship too."
He means: So serious that you share your Netflix password with me and let me crash when I want but not serious enough that you ask me to attend a wedding with you or give me a key.

He says: "No, I don't find her attractive."
He means: Ever since she turned me down.

He says: "I would say I'm ready to settle down."
He means: As in settle down on your couch for a few weeks, I need a place to stay.

He says: "Woman Crush Wednesday"
He means: I'm killing 3 birds with one hashtag here, showing other girls I'm desirable, showing everyone what a great boyfriend I am and forcing you to forgive me for whatever I did wrong. I dare you to be mad at me after an adorable post like that. Nothing the perfect filter can't fix.

Everyday Crap (& Gown)

In a few short days I will officially be a college graduate. It's such an exciting, bittersweet and ridiculously stressful time in my life. While unemployment is treating me kindly, my friends and I are getting a constant stream of questions from our families about how graduation will work. But here's the thing...we don't know! We've never graduated from college before. I have a long list of questions myself.

Where do I stand?
Who do I stand with? (Do I have friends?)
Should I take a personal fan?
and most importantly...What the heck do I do with my gown after graduation?

I paid a princely sum for graduation regalia, so I'm going to need more places to wear it. I know what you're thinking...impossible. False, I found so many everyday activities that I can also do in my cap and gown.

So I present, for your viewing pleasure, Everyday Crap & Gown.

Use it as a night gown!

Recycle in your gown! Then close your eyes and bask in the glory of a job well done.

You can even wear your cap & gown while trying on new outfits, see how a new tank might really pull the look together.

Get in some cardio, the added fabric will help you sweat off some water weight if you really wanna lose 3 pounds.

If cardio isn't your style, try yoga.

Or maybe you're more of a cyclist? Just remember to lock up your bike when you're done!

If you need some spare cash, you can always head to the ATM in your cap & gown. It's normal.

Before you cross the street in your gown, make sure to look both ways and do whatever this activity is called. Is there even a name for this? Being a responsible pedestrian?


Peruse some books in your gown. You will look super official, as if you're seriously considering the academic veritas of each selection. And like I always say, books are a girl's best friend.

Get your graduating friends in on the fun at a cap & gown game night! So fun!

Graduating is hard work, go refuel at Wendy's in your gown. But maybe skip the ketchup.

 And finally, at the end of a long day of graduation festivities, grab a bus home and take the nap you've been putting off for 4 years.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE CLASS OF 2015!


*Special thanks to Brendan Leonard for taking all these fab pics. If you know how unphotogenic I am, you understand that this was a full day's work.

Why Carolina

In honor of National Decision Day, I have been tweeting #WhyCarolina all day. But my love for this school could never be adequately expressed in 140 characters. Perhaps the magic that exists in the Southern Part of Heaven, in the poverty of human language, can never have its measure taken.
But for you, UNC Class of 2019, I'll give it the old college try.

Academics
We get called obnoxious and pretentious but we're just too busy taking classes on every subject from anthropology to zionism to care. You will bond with your fellow tar heels over how students at other colleges complain about the stress of general education credits. Try going to a liberal arts school, we have pre reqs for our gen eds. Over Fall Break your first year at UNC you will catch up with high school friends who go to other schools. They will talk about how hard micro economics is, but you go to Carolina, so you're taking micro and macro together. It's fine, you have Balaban.

Songs 
2 words. James Taylor. Singing Carolina In My Mind as a UNC student is indescribable, but I can guarantee it's a lot better than listening to me sing it. Not to mention Chase Rice, if you don't have to hold back tears listening to Carolina Can, well you probably go to Duke. At Carolina you will hear every song about North Carolina you can think of performed by our a cappella groups, and you will pick a definite favorite. The Clefs, Cadence, Tar Heel Voices, Psalm 100. We all have one. Interestingly enough, Pitch Perfect's regional competition is at an allegedly fictional "Carolina University"...coincidence? I think not.

Aesthetics 
Admittedly, I'm biased, but there are tons of Buzzfeed articles like the one below to back up my opinion that UNC has the most beautiful campus in the world. My worst picture of the Old Well will always get more likes than my best selfie. Take that as you will. Between the murals on Franklin Street, the Pit, Historic Wilson Library, Coker Arboretum, the Bell Tower, the Davie Poplar, South Building and the Quad, your campus pics, and your campus life for that matter, will never lack a stunning backdrop.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/carolynkylstra/beautiful-colleges-and-universities#.sbmXj5RG7 

Southern Charm 
The hospitality here is unparalled. Everyone always thanks their bus drivers, the crossing guards always greet you with a smile and the Carolina Dining Services employees could make your grandma seem cold and unfriendly. For some reason at this school we even say "thank you" to our professors after we turn in an exam. I've never understood why we thank them for giving us tests, but I think it's still a nice gesture. Chancellor Folt genuinely makes herself accessible to students and how many other college chancellors will take a selfie with you? I'll wait. 

Alumni
James K. Polk. Mary Pope Osborne. Rick Fox. Mia Hamm. Andy Griffith. Mamrie Hart. Danny Green (#GoSpursGo). Sarah Dessen. And...Ken Jeong (the gangster from The Hangover).

Finally, the J School would kick me out if I didn't mention Charles Kuralt...
"What is it that binds us to this place as to no other? It is not the well, or the bell, or the stone walls, or the crisp October nights or the memory of dogwoods blooming. Our loyalty is not only to William Richardson Davie though we are proud of what he did 200 years ago today. Nor even to Dean Smith, though we are proud of what he did last March. No, our love for this place is based on the fact that it is as it was meant to be, the University of the people."
-Charles Kuralt

Athletics
Maybe you've heard of Carolina basketball? As much as President Obama loves UNC, I think Buzzfeed loves us even more (see link below), and who could blame them? Tobacco Road is the greatest sports rivalry of all time and you will never convince me otherwise. Every winter we get #dookfans trending on Twitter and hilarity ensues. And at the end of every UNC game, we all link arms and sing the alma mater for all to hark the sound that's been beating in our hearts forever.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/nicholasschwartz/7-reasons-why-duke-unc-is-seriously-the-best-rivalry-in-spor#.mlm14e0wb

Local Flavor
We don't have a Bojangles or much to my dismay, a Taco Bell, but we make up for it in eateries specific to Chapel Hill. A Cook-Out tray costs $4.99, but taking in the view from Top of the Hill on Blueberry Day, hanging out with friends at He's Not, getting BSki's delivered to your dorm, trivia at Goodfellows, and ending the night with Time Out are priceless.

Lux libertas
Light and liberty.
Light. For tar heels, the sun always shines a little brighter in Chapel Hill.
And liberty. UNC is somewhere you can be unapologetically yourself.
There are so many amazing organizations, clubs and student groups just waiting to change your life. By senior year when you take your obligatory cap and gown pic by the university seal, you will look down at our motto and it will hold a definition unique to you. So don't worry, you will find your niche, it's the Carolina Way.

Last in this list but first in my heart...
Carolina For The Kids Foundation
I have been telling my brother for years to choose a college based on its Dance Marathon program, and of course what I mean by that is pick UNC based on Carolina FTK. For 4 years, this organization has given me a place to belong and people to belong to. In my time at Carolina, we have raised over $2 million for the patients and families of UNC Children's Hospital. Our founder, Michael Bucy, said, "UNC Dance Marathon is a worthwhile investment of your time. You will get far more from UNC Dance Marathon than you will give it." and for me and 2,000 other students, that could not be more true. So believe in the magic that happens for 24 hours every year in Fetzer Gym.

http://www.carolinaftk.org/


And finally, I will leave you with my 3 favorite quotes on the place I have been blessed enough to call home for the best 4 years of my life.

"Down through all the years of your lives, wherever you may go, your heart will always beat just a bit faster when you hear the symphonic syllables: Chapel Hill."
-W.T. Carmichael Jr.

"It’s on your shirt, and it’s in your heart.”
-Stuart Scott

"We'll hold it briefly, feel its pulsing heart before letting it go to impart that Carolina magic to those students there now, and to all those who will come in the endless future, stay awhile, and leave a part of their soul in a place called Chapel Hill."
-A.C. Snow