The Perfect Body

This time of year¹ everyone is talking about how to get "the perfect body". Magazines and newsfeeds are filled with promises of "30 second abs" and to help individuals "get fit fast" or "turn heads on the beach" and other headlines that plague women's tabloids while seemingly ignoring the male-aimed media.

My favorite piece of advice concerning how to obtain that elusive beach physique was simple.
"How to get a beach body.
Step 1: Have a body.
Step 2: Go to the beach."

I'm not immune to the pressure, I've tried some crazy diets. I'm still on the all-carb diet and it actually works pretty well if you have zero expectations or life goals.
I once sat on an exercise ball for 30 minutes. Did it give me abs? No.
The older I get the more I appreciate exercises that contain the word "seated". 
Do you realize how many 6-packs of Dr. Pepper I've consumed in 2016 alone? I'm still waiting to see the results on my stomach.

But I do have some helpful tips of my own. So I present White Girl Wednesday's guide to the perfect body.

To get the perfect body, have eyes that see the good in others regardless of crow's feet from years spent smiling.
To get the perfect body, have ears that listen for what's not said.
To get the perfect body, have a mouth that speaks only kindness and truth (and maybe a few jokes).
To get the perfect body, have a mind that never stops believing. 
To get the perfect body, have skin with a scar or two or five that tell amazing stories you're proud to have lived.
To get the perfect body, have a stomach framed by stretchmarks from carrying a life.
To get the perfect body, have abdominal muscles, big or small, that get a workout every day while laughing with friends.
To get the perfect body, have a heart eager to love even the least of these.
To get the perfect body, have arms ready to uplift others.
To get the perfect body, have hands that are happy to give.
To get the perfect body, have feet prepared to go where needed.
To get the perfect body, have legs willing to stand for what you believe in.

This weekend I will be working towards my perfect body at the 2016 UNC Dance Marathon. My arms will be embracing 2,000 of my closest friends, my stomach will ache from the laughter shared (and hopefully, caused), my hands will stay busy helping wherever needed, my cheeks will go numb from smiling too hard and my legs will burn from standing for 24 hours for something that matters.

The mission of the Carolina For The Kids Foundation is to provide major emotional, medical, and financial support for the patients and families served by UNC Children's Hospital.

Click here to learn more.
Click here to donate to me directly.

¹Election season!²

²No,basketball season.³

³Wait...swimsuit season! Sorry, priorities.

ShutUpBrenDANCE (Brendan's Birthday Post*)

Today is all about Brendan, what else is new? In honor of his 23rd birthday and Jordan Year, here is a look at our friendship documented primarily through selfies.

It will really enhance your viewing experience if you play One Direction or Taylor Swift in the background while thoroughly enjoying this post.

I told Brendan this should be my new profile pic.

Cause it's of my profile.

He didn't laugh.

As you can see, we took slightly different fashion approaches to graduation. This is shortly after Brendan took some of my graduation pictures in the campus Wendy's.


Fun fact! Once, Brendan (and Touchette) downloaded an app, registered for a phone number and researched Canadian history just to send me obnoxious text messages under the guise of a service called CANADA FACTS.
He really went to a lot of trouble to try to convince me that Canada is a country.
Close, but no cigar.

Sometimes we like to gaze into each other's eyes.
This week was very cold, it reminded Brendan of summers in his native Boston.
We were technically "snowed in" but due to crippling FOMO and Chelsea's willingness to drive Marlin through snow and ice to my house, we made it to trivia and the viewing party for this basketball game anyway, where Brendan skillfully observed "you have to throw the sportsball AND catch the sportsball".


This is a notification that I get quite often because as aforementioned pretty girls, Brendan and I do not pay for pizza.
And we felt the need to make an entire GroupMe about that.
#ThnxDante

A picture of my blog subject reading this blog. Kind of like blogception, right? This was taken in the Carolina For The Kids Foundation office, the setting of some my fondest memories and worst procrastination.
He's probably only reading because I lied and told him he was in it because I needed the pageviews and ad clicks. A girl's gotta eat and his friendship budget of $2 worth of Crispy M&Ms just doesn't fill me up.


This is a screenshot of one of the many heated discussions Brendan and I have had about fonts.
The main takeaway here is that I'm hilarious.
Also really be careful what you text me because I screenshot convos on the reg.

Me and Brendan at Linda's, home of cheese fries and parmesan-peppercorn ranch, the condiment that could end wars.
I believe my instructions to him were "look excited to be with me".
Earlier that night a homeless guy told Brendan that he better "be proud of his woman" AKA me.
It was one of the best nights of my life and one of the worst nights of Brendan's.

Here's a fun pic of me encouraging Brendan's CFTK successor, Haley, to continue the #PubRevolt after I'm gone.
The #PubRevolt is campus-wide movement where I try to get Brendan's committee to love me more than him.
It was met with mixed results.

We took a selfie with a toilet one time.
That's all I have to say about this picture, but I felt it should be included.
I think it really speaks to our friendship.

This is Brendan's pathetic attempt to convince me that Boston is better than Goldston.
Swing and a miss.

Apparently one night I tweeted about Brendan a lot?
Some things never change.
He does make an excellent point, cats do tend to exist.
And he still looks confused when I ask him to get me ice water. Brendan really? Ice and water. It couldn't be simpler. Maybe it's too simple for his patrician taste. He can lightly toast me a French baguette and serve it with brie but ice water is beyond him.
Typical.

This is blurry but it's Brendan and an unidentified Sherwood (90% confident this is Evan) taking a picture at a self-proclaimed "selfie station".
I refused and explained that the whole world is my selfie station.

Making waffle cones like bo$$es on Free Cone Day.
This is pretty much what we did all day.
I distinctly remember one of us kept forgetting to turn the waffle cone iron over to start the timer.
Oh wait...that was me.

My favorite picture I have ever taken of Brendan, AKA the boy who cincoed.
We had a color-coded Google Calendar for Cinco de Mayo.
We're not extra.

One of the many snaps chronicling our Tuesdays spent at trivia.
 Round 1 Part 1 is always this day in history (ry ry ry ry). So we prepare via www.history.com/ and study and apparently, if we're Brendan, we sleep.


This is a conversation concerning the horrific birthday card I made Brendan last year.
For some reason I thought it would be hilarious to take a ton of pictures of myself, chop the heads off, and glue them into his birthday card.
I think I nailed it.

 

Brendan's last night living in Chapel Hill.

 Once again I am probably trying to give him posing instructions.

He loves this shirt and I think I wore it every day that week to stores, restaurants, parties and formal banquets.

Brendan and I doing sportz.
This was before the game began and we had each asked someone if it was over yet.

 

Jean-Luc took this picture of me to send to Brendan since Brendan literally once offered to help me with multiplication.

 After Holi Moli last year. Brendan had a ton of blue dye in his teeth. What a newb.

 
This screenshot really drives home the point you've already gathered from this post...Brendan looks like he wants to die in every picture of us together.


*Should anyone else be interested in a similar birthday post, I would be happy to do so for the low, low price of 20 U.S. dollars or eternal friendship.

Random Things & Daydreams

This entire post is literally just random thoughts that I have. So many people have asked me "how did you think of that?" and I always tell them you don't want to tug at that thread, but here we are.


She's the Man
Regarding the soccer coach who won't let the girls join his team: go see your kids Zack and Cody once in a while and then you won't have time to be so sexist.

Trail Mix
I love trail mix but all the obstacles like raisins are really starting to be an issue. That's why I have honed my culinary skills to perfect a recipe for the only trail mix you will ever need. Simply gather 1 cup plain M&Ms, 1 cup peanut M&Ms, 1 cup peanut butter M&Ms, 1 cup pretzel M&Ms, 1 cup crispy M&Ms and mix! Feel free to make it your own, add peanut butter chips, fun size candy bars, whatever, just no raisins. Enjoy!

Millennial Problems
Sometimes I think of everything in terms of my iPhone because I'm a technology obsessed millennial. So...when I get home from Walmart "groceries are charged" and when I put away all of my clothes "laundry is charged" and it's ridiculous. So many people think I drive a smart car because when I get gas I'll say that my car is charged. I probably have an unhealthy relationship with my phone but it's the most important relationship in my life, mainly because it's the only relationship in my life.

Ben & Jerry's
When Ben and Jerry's invites me to make my own flavor, I really don't think I will let them put ice cream in there. I think it would just be 3 different flavors of cookie dough coated in brownie batter. Maybe some caramel swirls or some rainbow sprinkles but honestly the ice cream is my least favorite part of Ben & Jerry's.

The magazine in 13 Going on 30
You know how at the end of the movie Jenna suggests some sort of magazine where you can see your best friend's older sister and your cousin's boyfriend and everyone loves it? Well that is maybe the worst idea ever. Isn't that what yearbooks are for? I have social media for seeing how fabulous the people I grew up with are, I don't need it in my magazines too. Trashy celeb gossip magazines are supposed to make me feel good about my life by seeing who's in rehab and who's going through their fourth divorce. I don't need a magazine full of my former classmates getting raises and going on cruises.

Flowers
Flowers are just so stupid. I hate flowers, what purpose do they serve? They're not practical at all. But I also hate those girls who are all "don't get me flowers because that kills them and then they're dead and I'm sad, don't kill for me" you know those girls who will wear the flower corpses in their hair and wear all white but pretend they don't expect a bouquet of roses every holiday. "But you didn't get me a dozen red roses for Arbor Day?" girl, you know. I think the fact that they're dead is really the only cool thing about flowers.
The real dilemma here is wedding planning. Because in an alternate universe I will get married and I don't like flowers. But there are no reasonable substitutes for flowers at a wedding. I've been brainstorming things I love in the time that I probably should have spent trying to make myself dateable, and I don't get very far.
I can't carry a bouquet of baguettes. I can't have centerpieces made of Arby's coupons. I can't have the flower girl toss sprinkles down the aisle. Actually, no that could work. Remember that.

Dating Websites
Shouldn't they be bragging about how few members they have and instead of saying "first month free" sell memberships by the day? I mean that's what millennials want. Instant results. No twenty something is joining a dating website with the mentality of "I could spend years on here!". What we're thinking is "I better find my soulmate before anyone I knows sees me. We will both have joined this site as a joke and we'll lie and tell everyone we met somewhere less embarrassing like prison or AA."
And why has no one launched a dating app called The Boy Store or BoysRUs?
Also, do you ever just see a profile picture on a dating site and think "you look WAY too happy to be here."?

Fasting
Why are they called fasts? Just change the name to slows and be upfront about it.

Kids Television
Disney Jr. and Nick Jr. and ESPN Jr. and whatever are all full of shows trying to teach kids who can't bathe themselves how to do algebra and it's just ridiculous. We don't need smarter kids, we need better kids. Instead of Baby Mozart and Little Magellan we need shows that teach moral lessons like "don't lie to your parents" and "always tell the truth" and "NEVER talk back to your teacher". I'm talking Arthur re-runs. The good, old ones not that new, re-imaged crap.

Late Night Snacks 
Not once have I gone to bed thinking "wow I feel the exact right amount of satisfied because I ate a reasonable amount of food today". I either become too tired to finish my dinner or I stuff my face from the minute I get home until I roll into my room. You'd think I would work on that. And you'd be wrong.