Oh Deer

I killed my first deer this weekend!

Which is quite the accomplishment until you remember that I don't hunt.

Nope. 'Twas vehicular ruminant-slaughter.

I was minding my own business, trying to drive home from a long day of cleaning, moving and wearing babies when a deer ran in front of me all hari kari.

Here's what people keep asking me. "Where you paying attention?" And that's a dumb question because A) yes of course I was paying attention, what am I going to do, read all the text messages I don't get? and B) if I wasn't paying attention, I wouldn't tell you so now we'll never know.

What I didn't realize is that deer are actually just as reckless and treacherous as squirrels but they are much, much bigger. Honestly, until Saturday I had never had a deer run out in front of me. People would talk about watching out for deer and honking or playing loud music to scare them but I genuinely had never had a deer run in front of my car. They've been by the road minding their own business. I do always say if you don't like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk/crosswalk/houses close to the road/most mailboxes/fields but our relationship was honestly copacetic until Saturday.

So now my car looks like it has a cleft palate but Smile Train ain't gonna fix this. I have had so many car issues that once again I am left asking, "am I the problem?" but honestly I blame the deer here.


After the initial shock wore off I called my parents. I was half a mile from their house and they came right away. I didn't cry until they got there and honestly that started when my dad said my deductible was $500. That deer is so dead to me. Also it is literally quite dead.

I'm lucky that I was able to go to my parents' house to wait and that I'm not hurt and that my car is still drivable and that I won a drawing for a $50 gift card at work once. That's not related, I'm just still really jazzed about it because I never win anything.

In another stroke of luck, the world's foremost expert on deer-related car accidents is my grandmother. And my grandpa hit a deer a few weeks ago. And my aunt hit a deer right after Christmas. Those ungulates really have it out for my family, and I may know why. I blame myself. Species appropriation. I know better, now I have to do better.

As I called several NC transportation and law 800 numbers to get an official report, my mother listened in as if this were middle school and I was going to dish to the highway patrol about what boy I'm crushing on. They asked where it happened and I said that I was on Goldston-Glendon Road between Bonlee-Carbonton Road and Beal Road. Which is entirely accurate. That's where it was. Y'all can go check out the deer carcass for yourselves. My mother starts waving her hands and shaking her head frantically, whisper-shouting "J Cook Road! J Cook Road!" to the point where I finally told the officer "My mother wants you to know that it is closer to J Cook Road than Beal Road" and I'm sure he took note of that.

While we waited for an officer to arrive, my dad pointed out that now our stories don't match up. I claim the wreck took place by Beal Road while my mother insists that it was by J Cook Road. What if they think we're committing insurance fraud? What if they take us downtown? Split us up and wait for us to turn on each other? I won't do well in prison, without 24/7 access to online shopping I fall apart we all know that. Thankfully the officer was not hip to our jive. Remind me to never commit a crime with my mother. Or just in general.

After a lot of phone calls and emails, I took my car to a body shop. They were able to push my hood down so my car no longer beeps at me anytime it's in gear. The beeping started Monday morning, when I should have been enjoying the Rent Live soundtrack. It's a cruel world we live in folks.

A guy at the body shop told me that car mechanics and body repairmen love deer. He said they go out and feed them at night and finally we have a conspiracy I can get behind. That's capitalism baby. Create a demand for your supply. And since I found out that my deductible for animal-caused car accidents is actually $0, I can't be mad at that.

Happily Never After

A few weeks ago I shared the story of the new love of my life in this post. Practically dozens of readers were on the edges of their respective seats, anxious to hear any news. On Monday my co-workers all hoped to catch my eye in the hallway and ask me "when's the wedding" or "do you know his name yet?" and whatnot. I sadly had to tell them that I had not seen him at church on Sunday, I was no closer to my dream engagement ring (or marriage or whatever) than I had been months ago.

But another week has passed and I finally have an update.

Picture it. Sunday morning. I wake up, break out some brand new makeup and get ready for church. You do not want to know how much money went in to making my face dream boy ready. A little concealer, a lot of eyebrows, some new eyeshadow in pinks and reds to bring out the dilation of the blood vessels in my eyes. No less than 5 different mascaras (it's a science, some lengthen, some add volume, some separate, some just come in aesthetically pleasing tubes), bronzer for contour, highlight for...highlighting? and a designer lip gloss sample that I was saving for a rainy day. Of course I was wearing black - my power (and only) color so let's not underestimate how fabulous I looked.


I drive on over to church and decide to get out of my comfort zone one more time. He's worth it, right? I walk cautiously to his section and he's nowhere to be found but don't worry. There's still 3 minutes before service starts, not everyone is as early as I am. I continue to scan the room for him while the worship band plays an unnecessary amount of songs.

You know how the new megachurch-lite churches are really into playing a ton of contemporary songs every Sunday? I think it's to justify the fact that they spent so much money on instruments to try to distract from the fact that we're holding service in a basketball court. But as I searched all around the top of the key, dream boy was nowhere to be found.

I called off the search and focused on the music, wishing that contemporary Christian music could still include Amy Grant and Avalon. It was contemporary like 15 years ago and I miss it. I glanced over to my normal section to see all the faces I had become familiar with over the year since I'd moved to Apex.

I don't remember their names but I missed the comfort of the Asian family that sits to the right of me and always leaves like halfway through, I still don't know what that's about. And the middle-aged blonde woman who sits in front of me and reminds me of Aunt Erin. Most people probably see her as another soccer mom but I find her fabulous. And in the middle of all the people that I reluctantly make small talk with during greeting time even though I feel super self-conscious about it, in between the faces I can now recognize and the ones I still can't pick out of a crowd, I saw him.

Sitting in my section. Was this real? Was God sending me a vision? Was I a prophet now? Had he always sat in my section, save for that fateful Sunday? Maybe MY section was HIS section and he'd been sitting there for years, just behind me where my eyes couldn't access the back of his head that I'd been crushing on for weeks. Or was he late? It's a crowded service and maybe he couldn't find a seat so he was ushered into an empty chair towards the back. Or maybe, just maybe, he was doing the exact same thing I was doing.

Could there really be someone as crazy as me out there? Someone who realized I was interested the moment we locked eyes over the symbolic body of Christ. Someone who wanted to meet me just as bad as I wanted to meet him?


And that is the story I so WISH that I could share with you all. Unfortunately, today's post just proves that my talents are not limited to non-fiction because the scene above was made up.

As much as I want that story to be what actually happened, at this point I can only assume that dream boy has missed 2 Sundays in a row. I didn't see him and while it is possible that he escaped my watchful eye, I would not consider it to be probable. Is it really wise to pursue this relationship if we are headed for separate eternities? Talk about a long distance relationship. If he has missed 2 consecutive Sundays isn't that just a hop, skip and a jump away from renouncing Christ?

Sorry to disappoint everyone. Believe me, no one wants a moderately content ever after more than I do. But for now it's just not in the prayer cards.


Sign up for eharmony today and use my discount code 4EVERal0ne (that's not an o it's a zero as in an a scale of 1to 10, I am a zero) to get...nothing. But one of those online dating sites should really consider sponsoring me.

If eharmony isn't your thing, I can recommend Bumble for if you're in the mood to try out that constant rejection that the male species keeps raving about, OKCupid for if you're just dying to be catfished and Hinge for if you want access to a lot of men exactly 1 year younger than your age preferences.

Money Doesn't Grow on Dollar Trees

I have been a victim of #fakenews. Saturday, my roommate Emily shared a very troubling headline with me. She told me that Dollar Tree was bought out and the new...CEO? President? King?...said they would be re-evaluating their pricing strategy. I am currently in the "testing" stage of grief as in I am testing the accuracy of that claim by Googling it and so far...I got nothing. 

When I confronted Emily with this shocking lack of evidence she passed the buck, saying that her stepdad told her. So Jeff. I ask you. Do you have access to some top-secret information? Are you insider trading? Or is this some kind of sick joke? Either way, shame on you!

To handle the impending doom that loomed over me for the 3 days between hearing this news and fact checking it. I had to rely on some stress relief aromatherapy products that I bought at, oh yeah, Dollar Tree! They have launched an imitation of the Bath & Body Works aromatherapy I love so much. The packaging is concerningly similar but Dollar Tree's version includes a perfume rollerball! Score!

And that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to products that I rely on Dollar Tree to provide. It's where I buy all of my shaving cream, and by shaving cream I of course mean Suave coconut scented conditioner. I haven't purchased shaving cream since high school when my mom was the sucker who had to pay for it. Without that cheap conditioner, think of all the cuts around my ankles. All the razor burns on my calves when I'm shaving to the knee like Linda Belcher taught me.

I decorate my classroom with a lot of help from Dollar Tree. These cute woodland creature wall decals came from Dollar Tree. Please note the raccoon.

I also got these precious llamas at Dollar Tree AND the replacement set when one of my students maimed my first attempt at a llama farm.

And that's not even mentioning the actual school supplies! I have bought folders, notebooks, erasers, binders, pencils, pens, magnets, highlighters, scissors, rulers and more from Dollar Tree to use in my classroom.

Honestly this is a threat to international health as well and someone should probably contact the World Health Organization. I buy hand sanitizer for my students at Dollar Tree. And tissues! They are a mucus-filled bunch who presume that Kleenexes grow on trees. Pretty soon they will be using the end of their sleeves like I used to. It drove my mother crazy but it also didn't cost any of my hard-working teachers any money. Just imagine how the germs will spread. My classroom will be patient zero with kids coughing and sneezing all willy-nilly. Some diseases that are transmitted via respiratory droplets? I'm glad you asked. How about influenza, rhinovirus, tuberculosis, strep throat, and pneumonia? And these days we can't forget whooping cough, measles, diphtheria, mumps. Do not send Kat Von D's kids to my classroom because it will become a breeding ground for diseases that are easily prevented via vaccination.

I also buy all of my bandaids at Dollar Tree so let's add MRSA to the growing list of possible pandemic concerns. And just so we're clear...MRSA stands for Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus. Which means that A. I listen to and LOVE This Podcast Will Kill You and B. MRSA is by definition drug-resistant. Yikes.

And I would be remiss to discount the candy factor. Dollar Tree is the number one place to purchase movie candies. Except in Sanford because that Dollar Tree is a complete dead zone for cell service and caused a mild panic attack when I couldn't look up directions to the theater and was afraid that we would be late for Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again and I taught my youngest brother a lot of new road rage vocab that day. 

Moreover, Dollar Tree is the ONLY place I know of to buy Razzles. First it's candy...then it's gum! You can't hide that light under a bushel. Dollar Tree is also a partial sponsor of most gifts I give my dad because he has the WORST taste in candy. If you ever see some candy and think "I would rather only eat rotten cauliflower for the rest of my life than taste that once" it is probably one of my dad's favorites. We're talking circus peanuts, orange slices, black licorice, it's appalling folks. But Dollar Tree has 'em all. Leave the prices alone just get rid of those monstrosities, there's a pricing strategy to test out.

Let's move on to my livelihood. Teaching pays the bills but crafting pays for the Sephora/Target/Etsy orders. And that is much more fun than silly old rent. I made this wreath for my own apartment with supplies from Dollar Tree and at the moment you can literally buy it off my front door. I get ALL of my wreath frames at Dollar Tree and a fair amount of deco mesh as well. 

What about all the people who depend on my adorable and affordable wreaths, paintings, ornaments and more? This is really starting to have a ripple effect. I will continue to report back on any further news but in the meantime I will be hoarding reasonably priced organizational bins and I suggest you do the same.

Flirting 101

Well I'm in love again.

It happens about this time, every week. Like clockwork.

The current object of my affections first waltzed into my life roughly 3 weeks ago. I saw him at church and from the back of his head I knew. He's the one.

People often ask me what the number one physical quality I look for in a guy is. And honestly, to me it is really attractive when a guy isn't wearing a wedding ring.

The first time I saw him I was like wow what a cute and healthy scalp. I couldn't gather much besides the fact that he has a tattoo, does not wear a wedding ring and goes to my church. After service ended I went on my way until the next Sunday. Here's where we get to our first flirting tip...

1. Pay Attention
You really need to take in the facts about your potential love interests. Specifically, I took note of where he was sitting. So the next Sunday, I moved from my normal section at the back right and headed to the center left. I hated sitting there and I didn't even see him!

2. Use What You Know
My next piece of advice is to work with the info that you have. I don't know this guy's name. I don't know where he works. I don't know where he lives. I don't even know if he has a nose, I could be crushing on Voldemort right now. But I know he goes to my church so guess where my butt will be each and every Sunday of 2019? Well played God. My brother was preaching at a different church last Sunday. Do you think I went to hear him preach? No! Of course not! My brother isn't going to make me the sole beneficiary of his life insurance policy some day. Gotta look out for number one.

3. Smile
Thankfully, our paths crossed again. I looked everywhere for him last Sunday to no avail until communion started. Lord forgive me but in the middle of remembering the blood of Christ I recognized the ringless hand passing out unleavened bread and Welch's finest. And he was in charge of my row! If that's not a clear sign tantamount to a burning bush then I just don't know what is. I prayed for forgiveness from my sins, and requited love from my mans. I made what I hope is a normal amount of eye contact and hit him with a slight smile. Like this.


4. Head Their Way
Sometimes girls, steps 1 through 3 aren't enough. Guys can be pretty clueless. So even though I noticed him, sat in his section when he wasn't there, made eye contact AND smiled, I wasn't sure he got the hint. So I really took matters into my own hands. Right after the service my church took up an extra offering. Some guys held baskets by the doors to collect the money. Guess who one of those aforementioned guys was? That's right. Of course he was at the door furthest from where I needed to exit. But did I give up? Did I just head for my car? No. I grabbed some dollars, marched on over to his door, put my money in his basket, made eye contact AGAIN and smiled AGAIN. This time like this.


5. You Can Always Bend and Snap
So obviously at this point it's a waiting game. I've done my part, despite what the haters say.



But it helps to know that at any given point I can break out the bend and snap. If it works for Reese Witherspoon it will totally work for me, right? Unless it's blonde hair. Or size 2 jeans. Or bangs.

So, let's review our tips. Pay attention, Use what you know, Smile, Head their way and You can always bend and snap. Just be PUSHY and you can be as successful at dating as I am. And I'm seriously considering the lifetime membership to OKCupid, that's A LOT of dating right there.

Naughty by Nature & Nitrous Oxide

As several of you probably know, I had my wisdom teeth removed 2 weeks ago. I swear the hardest part was going in with no nail polish and no earrings. I felt naked. I couldn't even remove all of my earrings because my ears are suuuuuuuper asymmetrical thanks to being born breech. I tried to come into this world butt-first so my baby feet really pushed one of my baby ears out but hey, that's show biz baby.

I rolled into my appointment with no fingernail polish (don't worry,  my toes were still done) and only 2 earrings. The last time I only had 2 earrings in was probably fifth grade. Spoiler alert...as soon as we got home Emily was able to get all of my other earrings back where they belong.

The point of taking my earrings out was in case a medical emergency necessitated my transport to an MRI machine I guess? And I couldn't wear nail polish because they needed to check my fingernails to make sure I was getting oxygen. Tbh, I think we could have risked it.

But I followed the stupid rules, we checked in, I payed $850 and almost had a legit medical emergency - a heart attack - but after a few minutes I was called back. Before I went to the operating room I gave Emily my phone and told her to remember that I wanted an open casket. The nurse did not appreciate that.

As you can see, things went relatively well. Here is a picture of me that Emily sent to my parents in all my post-op glory.


Either my face was swollen or I ate a lot of salty foods the day before the procedure. It's 50/50. Who's to say?


As soon as I was out of surgery, Emily and I started taking as many videos as possible. In this post, I will not be saving the best for last. If you're friends with me on Facebook you have already seen this gem that will probably get Emily her first Oscar for a documentary. I want it played at my wedding, or honestly every wedding. Here is the single best thing to come from my wisdom teeth removal.



Now I do not remember the making of this video, I'm like Matthew McConaughey filming Dazed and Confused. But when watching this video, it appears that I am trying to look at my chest to see the results of a breast augmentation. Upon discovering that nothing has changed, I break the 4th wall and shrug at Emily as if to say "oh well, what can ya do?" and that's the end of that.

In the longer video that beautiful clip comes from, I tried to hit on my doctor. I told Emily he was cute (maybe I used the word hot?) and the nurse jumped in to say he is married with 4 kids. Okay but did I ask? I wasn't ordering save the dates I just said he was cute/hot. And I thought that before anesthesia or prescription pain relief. Just sayin'.

In the same 6 minute video I told Emily I was happy there was no nerve damage in my mouth making me talk like Drew Barrymore and asked for not 1, not 2, but 3 Cook Out milkshakes. And it's not like I have 3 milkshake flavors I love. I requested Mint Oreo (my favorite), strawberry, and for the last milkshake I suggested that Emily "surprise me" and she surprise me by only getting me one milkshake.


I ate that whole milkshake as soon as we got home because I needed food in my system before taking painkillers. I couldn't eat before the surgery so I was pretty hungry but so was Emily as you can see from this video in which she refuses to drive me 20 minutes away to go shop at a craft store while the anesthesia wears off unless we go to Olive Garden.



I will admit, for Emily, the 30 minute drive home with me was probably not ideal. In this video I send a Snapchat update to my friends from college and explain that since Emily wouldn't take me to Michael's she is my least favorite drag queen Phi Phi O'Hara and I am my favorite drag queen Alyssa Edwards. Except Emily wouldn't even take me to Party City where I belong.



Of course after major oral surgery my mouth felt weird to me.



I still had no desire to watch Twilight. I wanted to stretch my mouth and talk a lot but Emily seemed to think both were bad ideas. She may have been onto something with the jaw stretches but part of me thinks she just wanted me to stop talking.



Once we finally got home and Emily refused to give me a sponge bath, I slept for like an hour. This was probably Emily's favorite hour of the day.

But then I stayed up till 3:30 AM doing random things. I pulled a Dr. Pepper can out of the recycling, wrapped it in wrapping paper and attached it to a box of coasters for Emily's mom so the present looked like it was going to be a ukulele. I stand by that use of resources. I watched the newest season of Little Women: Atlanta. For the record...I love Amanda and I think Nico might be the devil. Also I find Tanya's father attractive. With or without pain meds. Then I painted my nails and made this video.



At some point during this manic episode, I got a Facebook message from a fake account pretending to be my friend's mom and I think I handled it appropriately.


I set my alarm for 6:30 AM to get more pain pills in my system but when I woke up, I was ready to go! I organized my closet, wrapped more presents, did the dishes, made cake balls for my brothers, cleaned the living room, lit a candle, did some laundry, surprisingly remembered to blow out the candle, packed a bag for home and bought myself more makeup. I want to say I should not be allowed to online shop on pain meds, but if I'm being honest they make no difference I am just as irresponsible without them.

I am a big baby when it comes to dental pain so I used more painkillers than my dad who had knee surgery the same day as my wisdom teeth removal. He was not a fan of how chatty they made me. And to be fair...I did get a little weird on them but I'm always a little weird. That's my homeostasis. So everyone needs to calm down.

I remember making this snap story. I got some vaccinations (make America vaccinate again) and decided to share my awesome adhesive bandage (Band-Aid is a brand name) with the world. LeeAnn stepped in while I was trying to take the picture for Snapchat because she thought I was just trying to take a pic of my shoulder I guess...so she tried to stop me but I explained "no, this is the content my followers subscribe to" so you're welcome.


That's all for now, but if my dental record is any indication...




...I will have more stories to share soon. I have about 5 months left on my father's insurance and I intend to make the most of them!