17 Candles

In every girl's life, there is one birthday that is more special than all of the others combined. One magical day where she forgets that she has a lifetime full of longer bathroom lines, expensive makeup and unsolicited advice to look forward to. That day is the 16th anniversary of her birth. But her 17th birthday is really just as important. 

When a girl turns 17 she can finally sing along with ABBA from her heart because she IS the dancing queen. She can watch R-rated movies. She can drive alone any time of night (but she shouldn't because that can be dangerous).

How did I spend my 17th birthday, you ask? Well let's see if I can remember because MY PARENTS SURE DIDN'T.

That's right. My own parents. The people who claim to be my flesh and blood (I sent in a cheek swab so for the next 6 months I can neither confirm nor deny that) forgot my 17th birthday.

Picture it. Siler City. 2010. May 7th (write that down Mom & Dad). The rest of my AP Government class is spending the day in Washington, D.C. but I choose to stay in town mainly because I have volleyball practice and partially because I have this crazy idea that maybe my parents want to see me on my birthday. Silly me.

I find it a little odd that my mom doesn't wish me a happy birthday that morning before I go to school but it's a long week and I haven't been her top priority since Patrick was born. That's not a slam or a complaint in any way. I'm like a self-cleaning toilet because I'm mostly self-sufficient and always smell slightly like lemon. My brother is more like a newborn baby because he needs constant supervision and smells like...not lemon.

Other than my mother not caring that I exist, it's a typical Friday. My friends tell me happy birthday, teachers go on and on about my diligent work ethic and remarkable grades, encouraging my classmates to be more like me. Pretty embarrassing stuff, like we get it guys, I'm amazing.

I make it all the way to 4th block without anything monumental happening other than a minor breakdown over the sudden realization that I am no longer "on the edge of seventeen" but I don't let it sour my relationship with Stevie Nicks.

For 4th block I go to the weight room, since the rest of my class is in D.C. I decided to use the free period to workout. Michelle Obama arms don't happen overnight. But then my phone (which I totally didn't have out in class) rings. It's my dad! He remembered! He really does love me!

I answered the phone expecting no huge fanfare. I just assumed my father would want to wish his first-born, his only daughter, and at this point I'm pretty sure I was his favorite, a happy 17th birthday. As soon as I answered he asked me if I was with Alex.

That threw me a little. What could Alex possibly have to do with my birthday? Maybe he had arranged a surprise and Alex was bringing me lunch? Maybe he had driven an hour out of the way to drop off a surprise gift with my friend? Maybe this phone call would be the starting bell for a well-rehearsed flash mob dance where my father would express his love for me in a series of leaps and jazz hands?

Try D) None of the above. He needed Alex's dad to call him. Happy birthday to me.

Sad but not the least bit surprised, I hung up the phone and headed to volleyball practice. Practice was cancelled so I went home thinking maybe my parents had something fun planned. A movie, dinner, shopping, a cake, I'm not picky.

I arrived home to find everyone acting like it was a typical Friday. Except to them it WAS a typical Friday because my entire immediate family forgot my birthday. My brothers were playing video games, my dad was trying to complete a crossword puzzle despite a lifelong struggle with spelling and my mom was drinking Diet Sunkist in the kitchen to take the edge off.

This must be how Colby felt all those times we left him at church. I thought about saying something but I decided it was in my best interest to wait. If my parents completely forgot my birthday I could hold this over their heads forever. Consumed with guilt they would probably buy me the new phone I wanted, get cable in my bedroom and stop denying my perfectly reasonable requests for an eyebrow piercing. It turns out, I really overestimated their capacity for guilt.

To this day, my mother Missy Misdemeanor Daniel denies any wrongdoing. She firmly believes that she did not forget my birthday. Of course she also believes that the Oxford comma is useful, that infinity scarves should be worn year round and that my name is Dana so I'm going to let you be the judge.

I Might Name My Firstborn Fetzer

In 2 days, Robert Allison Fetzer Hall will host the biggest party of the year yet again. In anticipation, rumination, and most importantly, celebration, allow me to take you on a photo journey of (a small part of) my Dance Marathon experience. And since I know he's going to immediately Command+F his name, Brendan Brendan Brendan Brendan.

Recruiting is an important part of what we do. We have 3 recruitment weeks every year and they are So. Much. Fun. You'd be surprised what you can learn about a person just by talking to them for an hour. Or sharing a bear costume. I don't have any actual statistics but I wanna say this look recruited tons of dancers.

We also dance in costumes. And in videos like this one.

Setting up for Dance Marathon involves hours upon hours of duct taping banners. After about 90 minutes you will lose most of your fingerprints but hey, now you're one step closer to leading a successful international life of crime. You're welcome.

 

Speaking of duct tape, I was in charge of the duct tape back in 2015. And that also meant I was in charge of calculating the total mileage of duct tape used. If you have no idea why that is important you can watch this video. Doing the complex multiplication required of me was too much and I had to rely on Brendan's superior mathematical abilities. So I purchased this math readiness workbook and luckily at Dance Marathon there is always a homework room for like-minded individuals who need to hit the books.

One of my personal favorite things about Dance Marathon is that it forces people to be friends with me. Like Chelsea here. I tried to be friends with Chelsea way back in 2011 during our first year of college. Chelsea was having none of it. Fast forward 3 years and we're on the same Exec Board. And just look at how thrilled she is to be friends with me now! You can run but you can't hide, future friends!

Sometimes, your committee members/friends/subchairs/exec board will make memes of you. And it's because they love you. Trust me. We're not a cult, we're a family. A family that acts like a cult. Also, for the record, trying to get coffee donated is super hard. Like harder than picking an Instagram filter and way harder than raising $150.

 

You may become the focal point of multiple memes. I just wanted a cute pic with my amazing subchairs but I kept getting radioed because I was so important. Life is hard. Another reason this picture took so long to capture...during the first take Kelly kept throwing mayonnaise packets at us because we had a ridiculous amount of that particular condiment. You know, just SNL stuff.

 

Also, I was visited by a dementor during the 2015 marathon. Who knew?

Confession time. I've been arrested for dancing.

 Twice.

Dance Marathon was featured in the UNC yearbook in 2015 and maybe every other year, how would I know? Did you guys know that colleges had yearbooks? I had no idea and I'm IN the yearbook. I think that's what P!nk meant by "too school for cool."

The Dance Marathon (now Carolina For the Kids Foundation) office is were a lot of the action happens. It's where we studied when the libraries closed, where we napped when running a non-profit turned out to be pretty exhausting, where I proposed to Hunter and got a hard no. And in our office I even had my own office. Right by the trashcan.

Sometimes, if you're really, really lucky, someone will hand you a microphone and put you on stage! And I think the fact that I eventually gave that microphone back really proves my love for this organization.

Since I was kind enough to return the microphone in 2015, in 2016 they let me emcee with Jean-Luc and even painted us a banner. I felt like royalty. Emceeing the marathon had been my dream since I was a cute little 18-year-old attending her first marathon, hanging out in the squash courts and fangirling over DJ Ever.

Do you need another reason to participate in a Dance Marathon near you? We eat a lot of pizza. At the marathon, before the marathon, after the marathon. The good news is pretty girls don't pay for pizza. You can quote me on that. And as a dancer you will be provided with food every few hours, free of charge.

Another reason? Meeting incredible individuals. My involvement with Dance Marathon allowed me to take not 1, not 2, but SEVERAL selfies with Chancellor Carol Folt, my fashion icon. This woman is so kind, owns AND wears more than 3 outfits, has a permanent parking space on campus and has perfected the art of the selfie. She's basically my hero. Please note that my parents Sonya & Jean-Luc are so proud in the background.

My favorite freaks. The 2015 Exec Board. These guys are wonderful (foolish?) enough to still be my friends after an entire year of me treating the Pope Room like my own stand-up comedy show. BTW - guess where we parked? If you guessed right in front of this sign, you're right! And to think...this was taken BEFORE the night got weird.

This photo shows the most perfect human ever created...and me. That sentence took a turn didn't it? My "big" Hope has her own blog and it's everything this blog isn't. Professional, informative, thoughtful and elegant. When I include pictures it's due to a combination of sheer laziness and narcissistic vanity. Hope's pictures look like they're straight out of I'm a Professional Baker and a Professional Photographer Monthly which is a magazine I just made up. For an entire year I got to be "the new Hope" even though trying to achieve that level of excellency was hopeless.

And of course my fabulous committee members who were kind enough to recreate our epic committee dance in public with me. Kelly put down the mayonnaise packets for a night out with us.

 Basically, people who do Dance Marathon are my heroes.

To check out some of my other Dance Marathon blog posts you can click here, here, here, here, and here.

And if you want to donate to my dancer total you can click here! 

Thank you! Love & FTK.

Myers Briggs: Bob's Burgers

ISTJ - The Examiner

Dr. Yap 

He examines teeth and for a minute there he examined Gayle's heart. He also owns a sick Jacuz. And doesn’t it make us all feel better to think that not flossing is providing millions in the dental care industry with jobs?

Quote: "Welcome to the Yap Trap."

ISFJ - The Defender

Jairo 

His capoeira skills are so incredible that they'll make you poop your pants. If you're Bob. And that hair! Although he probably went on to be a creepy cult leader, he made Tina at the very least slightly less physically awkward.

Quote: "Jairo says he can hypnotize animals. But only if they want to be hypnotized. Which they almost always do." -Tina

INFJ - The Counselor

Mr. Frond 

He's literally the guidance counselor. And figuratively a "tall drink of annoying." If Mr. Frond doesn’t end up with Gayle there is no justice in this cruel world.

Quote: "I'm a knitter, not a quitter!"

INTJ - The Strategist

Tammy Larsen

This girl knew she had to dye her hair blonde to be popular. She's an ace reporter and dare I say it, a budding zoologist.

Quote: "Anything that's not a dog is a cat to me."

ISTP - The Craftsman

Gene Belcher

He's not the sharpest key on the keyboard, bless his heart. But what he lacks in manners, intelligence, social aptitude and physical strength he makes up for in gorgeous table-scapes.

Quote: "Queen Latifah give me strength."

ISFP - The Artist

Aunt Gayle

Gayle was creative enough to invent her own board game, Gayle Force Winds! She loves painting, her cats, anything Linda has and Scott Bakula. In no particular order.

Quote: "My cat was right about you."

INFP - The Dreamer

Tina Belcher 

Tina really vacillates between soul-crushing shyness and spurts of ridiculously excessive confidence, but she always stays true to herself, her horses and her friend fiction.

Quote: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

INTP - The Architect

Jimmy Pesto, Sr.

This fake Italian was possibly Rachel Dolezal's inspiration. If he spent more time on his menu and less time antagonizing Bob, the show might be called Jimmy's Gnocchi.

Quote: "I hope this stand off ends pizza-fully!"

ESTP - The Promoter

Teddy 

Teddy is such a loyal friend, if Bob had a blog Teddy would probably read it. Teddy eats one of Bob's burgers every day. That's love. I eat my best friend's food every day too but that's just because she doesn't guard her groceries.

Quote: "Why do men have to ruin everything?"

ESFP - The Performer

Jimmy Pesto, Jr.

Love him or hate him you've got to admit that J-Ju can dance! I can only hope that someday two guys will have a dance-off for my love.

Quote: "I kissed her first and you kissed her worst."

ENFP - The Champion

Gretchen 

I like to think of Gretchen as Tammy after 20 years and 2 ex-husbands. She knows what she wants, goes after it, and rarely gets it but keeps on keeping on. She has the confidence of a champion and the manners of an individual known for having terrible manners.

Quote: "Hey do you guys have a lost and found?"

Linda: "Yeah, why? What did you lose?"

"15 pounds! Look at me!"

ENTP - The Inventor

Bob Belcher 

Chef Bob whips up some pretty interesting burgers. My personal favorite is the Chorizo Your Own Adventure Burger.

Quote: “Listen, you’re my children and I love you, but you’re all terrible at what you do here."

ESTJ - The Supervisor

Darryl

Darryl supervises Bob's transformation from loser adult obsessed with the arcade game Burgerboss to...well there wasn't much of a transformation but he tried.

Quote: "I'm not a nerd! I'm a video game enthusiast!"

ESFJ - The Provider

Linda Belcher 

Whether she's coaching synchronized swimming, singing to her kids or partaking in some other mom-sense, Linda is the ultimate provider for her family.

Quote: “Oooh, mini croissants. No matter what I say, stop me when I’ve had 16.”

ENFJ - The Teacher

Josh

I know there are quite a few actual teacher characters to choose from but Josh taught Tina how to love. That's way more important than algebra.

Quote: "Come on Tina, we've got reservations at a frozen yogurt stand."

ENTJ - The Maverick

Louise Belcher  

Slapping crushes, inciting fake anthrax panic, torturing her siblings. Louise is the ultimate puppet master and there's nothing she can't do. Except go to the dentist.

Quote: "Quiet dignity? Have you met us?

The Ceiling is Most Definitely NOT the Roof

This is my best friend Brendan. 

You might recognize him from the charming yet disturbing cutout of his face I made to take to events he cannot attend with me on account of him (rather selfishly) living in the brutal tundra of Boston.



He came home (to Chapel Hill) this weekend and varying amounts of hilarity ensued. Let's start at the beginning.

 

He didn't text me back for a full 12 hours because he loves me so much. Even though we've been friends for 2 years he's still playing hard to get. Of course, we could have been friends much sooner...

This picture was taken at the beginning of our sophomore year of college. At this point in his collegiate career Brendan was known only as Batman snapback guy. See if you can spot him in this picture!

Fast forward 2 weeks and we're joined by Evan, Chelsea and Shakeia after some slight directional issues and questionable guest behavior.

 

Before the game we  got to celebrate the engagement of our friends Logan and Ellie! I'm so happy for them because I know that even if Ellie goes blind she will always be able to recognize Logan since she has been practicing touching his face against his will for months. This is how happy Logan and I are that Ellie said yes!

Later that night we were standing for hours (having DM flashbacks) watching the UNC-dook game with hundreds of our closest friends and 1 or 2 former classmates that we avoided like the plague. Actually, Brendan avoids everyone like the plague because he's an introvert who hates almost all human interaction. I even found out during this visit that when we first met he hated me. You know, shocking as it may seem, I'm actually hearing that more and more lately. Apparently my energy and aggressive friendliness is "off-putting" even though it totally worked for Ted Bundy.

While we're watching the game at one of our favorite college hangouts, a handful of dook fans walk in. I'm not sure why dook fans would choose to watch the game in Chapel Hill but actually I am because I would much rather be in Chapel Hill too. Unfortunately for them, they A) go to dook and B) were sighted by Chelsea. By the time I forced my way through the Halloween-level crowd to get to her she was asking all the guys wearing dook shirts what part of New Jersey they were from. When they said they weren't from New Jersey she asked where they were from. One guy made the mistake of saying Pittsburgh and Chelsea (whose family is also from Pittsburgh) yelled "Northerner!" at him.

Mere minutes after I got her to stop harassing those poor Jersey boys she found a new victim, a guy wearing a Durham Bulls hat that closely resembled Satan's blue. I tried to help him, I really did, but this guy should have considered his wardrobe choices more carefully. Wearing anything vaguely darker than royal blue in Chapel Hill is social suicide.

For a brief moment when Chelsea wasn't busy yelling obscenities at Durham residents we actually made a new friend in the bathroom. She was a fellow Slytherin and as we bonded over Harry Potter tattoos I discovered that I could use the Dyson airblade as a wind machine to practice for my inevitable modeling career, much to the delight of the 2 women waiting in line.

After what felt like an eternity (in my feet and everyone else's heart) UNC won the sportsball game and we ran all the way to Franklin Street. Luckily for me Franklin Street (and Yopo) was only about 20 feet away.

 

There was a fire, a couch, a drink thrown, a drone camera and zero room for personal space.

It was (the southern part of) heaven.

O Em G

Today's blog post is brought to you by a high school Spanish class, JV basketball, Kesha (actually, back then she was Ke$ha) and a ton of questionable decisions. (And also Emily was jealous that Liz was mentioned in this blog and I had nothing to write about on account of having had very few life experiences in the past 7 days.)

Emily and I met in high school, at the beginning of freshmen year. A few weeks into the semester I realized that she was in 3 of my 4 classes. (I'm not very observant.) I remember that my first impression of Emily was "wow, this girl has an awful lot of Hollister t-shirts." For the first month of school I swear she wore a Hollister t-shirt under a spaghetti strap dress every single day. As far as 14-year-old me was concerned, she was rich! This girl could afford not 1, not 2, but DOZENS of Hollister t-shirts. What was she? An heiress? When I asked Emily what her first impression of me was she didn't remember because she obviously loves me less than I love her. But if she had to guess, she said "I probably didn't like you because you were confident and loud and that made me nervous." Sounds about right.

In any event, a beautiful friendship began. Here we are, 10 years later. Much to our dismay we still have yet to star in an E! Women Who Snapped special but there have been quite a few close calls and even more trips to Arby's and T.J. Maxx.


 
DECAstated
Our friendship really kicked into high gear thanks to DECA. Unlike basketball, this was something we were actually good at. So we bonded over our success and really committed to finding business professional clothes on sale at Belk (she's not actually an heiress, I was catfished). in this picture, taken EXACTLY 6 years ago today, we had just won 1st place at our state competition, securing 2 tickets to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (I mean Orlando) to compete internationally. They award trophies to the top 20 students at international competition so when our names weren't called we proceeded to tell everyone that we came in 21st. Not too shabby.

Easy-Cake
Emily and I are especially skilled at celebrating birthdays, if you can consider that a skill. In this picture, Emily and some of our other friends went to a concert to celebrate her 20th birthday. I didn't have a ticket so I stayed home and watched Dragon Tales with our friend Lupay until everyone got back. One year, for Liz's birthday, we decided to treat her to a Rachel and Emily original. We used Emily's Easy-Bake Oven to make a simple vanilla cake. It was very minimalist and as elegant as any lightbulb-baked dessert could be. Or at least it was before we discovered the can of red frosting. Our decorations were what you might call "a bit much." The final product had strings of dried icing held up with toothpicks mounted in Rolos. It really was spectacularly hideous and no one ate it but you know what they say, it's the icing to cake ratio that counts.

DEFCON 1

Please note the beautiful curls in this photo. In high school we went through a big phase of doing full hair and makeup before any public outing. And by big phase I mean the first week of summer because we were so bored. The rest of the year we really couldn't care less. In order to create the luxurious waves seen above I only needed a pair of gloves, 3 claw clips, a curling wand, a can of hairspray and an hour. One morning we were getting ready to go to the mall in Greensboro, a favorite haunt of ours, when I stepped on said curling wand while it was on. Probably one of the worst pains I have ever experienced. Right up there with the toothache leading up to my 2nd root canal and the heartache of Brad and Jen's divorce. To this day if I step on anything cylindrical I will freak out.

 
We Like Our Money Where We Can See It...
...hanging in our closets. We love to shop. A lot. Some would say too much. One of our favorite places to shop in high school was Apex because that was the nearest Target and I'm not even a little bit embarrassed by that. I got my driver's license about 3 months before Emily so for the summer before our junior year of high school I drove us all over central NC. Anyone who has ever been a passenger in my car and lived to tell the tale can assure you that God is real. My terrible driving is made worse by my horrible sense of direction. It took Emily a good year to teach me how to get to Apex from her house which consisted of literally 4 turns.



Timeflies When You're Obsessed
This lovely photo was taken at a Timeflies concert in Carrboro our senior year of college. Emily and I had been obsessed with Timeflies Tuesday since freshman year. They finally came to NC and we (along with Liz) had to get tickets. At the concert we somehow ended up talking to their videographer/childhood BFF because Liz has a way of finding the important people. After Liz convinced him we were soulmates because we both love Jeopardy!, we enjoyed the concert and walked around Chapel Hill for a few hours after the show, hoping to run into Cal and Rez to no avail. And if it's not successful, it's not stalking.


Let this blog post show that if you are a close, personal friend of mine who wants to become famous worldwide, all you have to do is ask. I'm huge in France now.