Everybody needs a hero.
Jocks have Lebron James. Nerds have Steve Jobs. The rest of the world has America. And white girls have Carrie Bradshaw.
This week is all about the ultimate girl heroes of movies. Who your girl hero is says a lot about you. For example, my ultimate girl hero is Hermione Granger from Harry Potter. This means that I value intelligence and British accents.
Keep reading to discover what your hero reveals about your personality.
Carrie Bradshaw-Sex and the City
You are fearless and fabulous. You value your friendships above everything else. You also spend way too much money on shoes.
Cher Horowitz-Clueless
You're an idiot. But it's ok, because deep, deep, deep down inside you really care for others (as long as there's something in it for you that is).
Massie Block-The Clique
You're controlling. And like 90% pure evil. You're not the prettiest but you're still the most popular, a baffling phenomenon that I applaud you for.
Katniss Everdeen-The Hunger Games
You're a survivor. You make masculinity sexy in a girl. But maybe a little less Outdoor Channel and a little more Lifetime?
Bella Swan-Twilight
You suck. No but really.
Regina George-Mean Girls
You're a life ruiner. You ruin people's lives. Other than that you're probably popular, pretty, and idolized by most. But you could stand to lose 3 pounds.
Fa Mulan-Mulan
You refuse to conform to traditional gender and beauty roles...and STILL get the guy, bringing honor to us all. You're possibly Asian and definitely awesome. You love your country, just make sure that country is America next time.
Beca Mitchell-Pitch Perfect
You're a hipster with serious trust issues. What's not to love. You have an aca-mazing voice and fancy yourself aca-edgy.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Fake It Till Ya Make It: The Fine Art of Being a Poser
For us girls, there are a total of 3 ways to get friends. 1) Be rich, pretty, popular, or any combination of the three. 2) Have a fabulous personality. (In the wise words of the internet, "I have to be funny because being hot isn't an option.") Or 3) Fake option 1 or 2.
Once it became evident that options 1 and 2 simply weren't for everyone, the art of faking was born! And it really is a shame that the word "fake" has such negative connotations. There are tons of awesome women who have gone far faking (there are also tons of women in white collar prisons for faking, but that's a story for another day). Anastasia faked being a princess. Mulan faked being a dude. And Beyonce is still faking being a mere mortal. Nice try B, we all know you're a goddess.
But before you jump right into fabricating a personality, you have to plan it out. The first, and most important rule of faking is to pick your area and stick to it. If you pretend to know everything about lots of different subjects, people are gonna hate you. And I can't blame them. It's only ok to be obnoxious in small doses. So pick fashion or politics or Hollywood or Europe and stay there!
Rule number 2 is that 80% of all statistics are made up. If you believed that statement, thank you for proving my point. I just made that up. And once you gain credibility in a field, you can too. When you get a reputation for being knowledgeable in an area, people are going to come to you with questions. Questions you might not know the answers to. Aaaaand cue made up statistics. You can even do this when you're on the record! Politicians have been doing it for centuries, and I think we can all agree that if there is one thing government employees really excel at, it's making things up (don't get me started on "Groundhog Day").
The last (and certainly least) important rule of faking it is that you always stick to your story. Say one day a friend comes up to you and says "Hey I have to write a paper on Africa in the 20th century. What can you tell me about it?" The appropriate response is "Ahh yes, in the 20th century Africa was ruled by Mufasa until his brother Scar took over in a military coup d'etat. The population lived in poverty until the rightful heir to the throne, Simba, rescued the nation." When your friend gets a terrible grade on that paper because she listened to you, you just have to shrug it of and say "I'm sorry, I guess they were looking for a more economic approach." No damage done. If you admit to being wrong you will lose all credibility, and maybe some teeth depending on how mad your friends are that you ruined their GPAs with your lies.
In conclusion, someone very questionable once told me, "I've only been wrong once, when I thought I was wrong about something and I was actually right." If you can understand that brain teaser, please contact me immediately because it's been years and I still don't get it.
Once it became evident that options 1 and 2 simply weren't for everyone, the art of faking was born! And it really is a shame that the word "fake" has such negative connotations. There are tons of awesome women who have gone far faking (there are also tons of women in white collar prisons for faking, but that's a story for another day). Anastasia faked being a princess. Mulan faked being a dude. And Beyonce is still faking being a mere mortal. Nice try B, we all know you're a goddess.
But before you jump right into fabricating a personality, you have to plan it out. The first, and most important rule of faking is to pick your area and stick to it. If you pretend to know everything about lots of different subjects, people are gonna hate you. And I can't blame them. It's only ok to be obnoxious in small doses. So pick fashion or politics or Hollywood or Europe and stay there!
Rule number 2 is that 80% of all statistics are made up. If you believed that statement, thank you for proving my point. I just made that up. And once you gain credibility in a field, you can too. When you get a reputation for being knowledgeable in an area, people are going to come to you with questions. Questions you might not know the answers to. Aaaaand cue made up statistics. You can even do this when you're on the record! Politicians have been doing it for centuries, and I think we can all agree that if there is one thing government employees really excel at, it's making things up (don't get me started on "Groundhog Day").
The last (and certainly least) important rule of faking it is that you always stick to your story. Say one day a friend comes up to you and says "Hey I have to write a paper on Africa in the 20th century. What can you tell me about it?" The appropriate response is "Ahh yes, in the 20th century Africa was ruled by Mufasa until his brother Scar took over in a military coup d'etat. The population lived in poverty until the rightful heir to the throne, Simba, rescued the nation." When your friend gets a terrible grade on that paper because she listened to you, you just have to shrug it of and say "I'm sorry, I guess they were looking for a more economic approach." No damage done. If you admit to being wrong you will lose all credibility, and maybe some teeth depending on how mad your friends are that you ruined their GPAs with your lies.
In conclusion, someone very questionable once told me, "I've only been wrong once, when I thought I was wrong about something and I was actually right." If you can understand that brain teaser, please contact me immediately because it's been years and I still don't get it.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Lies Guys Tell
This post is dedicated to every guy who has ever used one of these lines insincerely. Or to simplify things, every guy. Here's a trick girls can use to tell if a guy is lying - are his lips moving? Actually, today it's more like are his thumbs typing, but you get it. Unless I've just been lucky enough to experience only the worst the male species has to offer, I must conclude that a lot of guys lie. A lot. Next time your guy uses one of these, I suggest you hit him with a "whatever." Underneath every lie I have spelled out what they are really saying.
"Your face is way prettier than hers."
I haven't even looked at her face yet.
"I'm sorry babe, I was really busy."
...Playing Call of Duty and texting some girls, I mean friends.
"Let's split a dessert"
It costs less and won't make you as fat.
"I texted you, that's so weird that you didn't get it."
Syke! I forgot you existed this weekend because my frat had a party.
"I don't think we need to validate our relationship on Facebook."
Because then other girls will think I'm unavailable.
"I tried to change my profile picture to us but my internet messed up."
See above.
"No I don't have her number!"
...Saved with her name, how dumb do you think I am?
"Oh my ex was at the beach last weekend when I was there? I had no idea."
...That you knew that. That was a close one.
"Of course I will always love you."
As long as you keep doing my laundry and making me food and looking good.
"No, I haven't talked to her."
...Today.
And last but not least, my personal favorite:
"I'll text you later."
Next week IS technically later.
"Your face is way prettier than hers."
I haven't even looked at her face yet.
"I'm sorry babe, I was really busy."
...Playing Call of Duty and texting some girls, I mean friends.
"Let's split a dessert"
It costs less and won't make you as fat.
"I texted you, that's so weird that you didn't get it."
Syke! I forgot you existed this weekend because my frat had a party.
"I don't think we need to validate our relationship on Facebook."
Because then other girls will think I'm unavailable.
"I tried to change my profile picture to us but my internet messed up."
See above.
"No I don't have her number!"
...Saved with her name, how dumb do you think I am?
"Oh my ex was at the beach last weekend when I was there? I had no idea."
...That you knew that. That was a close one.
"Of course I will always love you."
As long as you keep doing my laundry and making me food and looking good.
"No, I haven't talked to her."
...Today.
And last but not least, my personal favorite:
"I'll text you later."
Next week IS technically later.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Which Disney Princess Are You? (Really)
We've all been there. You take an online personality quiz and, if you're anything like me, after tricking it once to get the results you will tell people, you take it honestly to find out what character is most like yourself. Some of these quizzes are great, and not just because they give you the answers you want. But other quizzes are too simplistic. After years of being dubbed a "Belle" simply because I have brown hair and enjoy books, it appeared the world would never know my true Disney princess identity. Until now....
I made my own quiz that will help anyone discover what brand of trophy wife they should become.
You're welcome.
WARNING: The quiz you are about to take is foolproof.
Question 1
What is your favorite color?
A-blue (with no soot stains)
B-pink! no, blue! no, pink! no, blue!
C-yellow (or jaune in French)
D-red hair don't care!
E-all of the primary colors are my favorite
F-turquoise is best for belly dancing
G-green, like frogs
H-red, like imperial China
I-all the colors of the wind
J-gold, like my looooong hair
Question 2
What is your ideal prince like?
A-good at picking out shoes
B-will wake me up each morning with a kiss
C-a wildebeest
D-can teach me how to walk
E-isn't jealous of my 7 closest guy friends
F-thinks tigers make good house pets
G-amphibious
H-not a Hun
I-exotic blonde hair and blue eyes
J-doesn't mind a little hair in the drain
Question 3
What is your favorite pet?
A-mice that do my chores
B-birds that sing with me
C-my prince
D-fish are friends, not food
E-anything that falls under the category "woodland"
F-tigers
G-frogs
H-dragons that sound like Eddie Murphey
I-raccoons
J-chameleons
Question 4
What word best describes you?
A-housewife
B-sleepyhead
C-nerd
D-ginger
E-fairest
F-exotic
G-cook
H-masculine
I-native
J-sheltered
Results:
Mostly As-Cinderella
Mostly Bs-Sleeping Beauty
Mostly Cs-Belle
Mostly Ds-Ariel
Mostly Es-Snow White
Mostly Fs-Jasmine
Mostly Gs-Tiana
Mostly Hs-Mulan
Mostly Is-Pocahontas
Mostly Js-Rapunzel
I made my own quiz that will help anyone discover what brand of trophy wife they should become.
You're welcome.
WARNING: The quiz you are about to take is foolproof.
Question 1
What is your favorite color?
A-blue (with no soot stains)
B-pink! no, blue! no, pink! no, blue!
C-yellow (or jaune in French)
D-red hair don't care!
E-all of the primary colors are my favorite
F-turquoise is best for belly dancing
G-green, like frogs
H-red, like imperial China
I-all the colors of the wind
J-gold, like my looooong hair
Question 2
What is your ideal prince like?
A-good at picking out shoes
B-will wake me up each morning with a kiss
C-a wildebeest
D-can teach me how to walk
E-isn't jealous of my 7 closest guy friends
F-thinks tigers make good house pets
G-amphibious
H-not a Hun
I-exotic blonde hair and blue eyes
J-doesn't mind a little hair in the drain
Question 3
What is your favorite pet?
A-mice that do my chores
B-birds that sing with me
C-my prince
D-fish are friends, not food
E-anything that falls under the category "woodland"
F-tigers
G-frogs
H-dragons that sound like Eddie Murphey
I-raccoons
J-chameleons
Question 4
What word best describes you?
A-housewife
B-sleepyhead
C-nerd
D-ginger
E-fairest
F-exotic
G-cook
H-masculine
I-native
J-sheltered
Results:
Mostly As-Cinderella
Mostly Bs-Sleeping Beauty
Mostly Cs-Belle
Mostly Ds-Ariel
Mostly Es-Snow White
Mostly Fs-Jasmine
Mostly Gs-Tiana
Mostly Hs-Mulan
Mostly Is-Pocahontas
Mostly Js-Rapunzel
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