Does anyone else frequently tell their friends the same stories only to be interrupted halfway through by complaints because they claim to hear that story every week. Well excuse me for not having an interesting life, it's not my fault nothing exciting ever happens to me! And you know that once something halfway out of the ordinary actually does happen to me, I'm just gonna add that story into the current rotation, so be careful what you wish for.
Along with stories I tell "every week" there are certain conversations I have every week. You would think these exchanges would get old after a while but I can assure you, they don't. I have recorded these conversations below. You will see my words in black and everyone else's in purple. Enjoy.
With my BFF
"Is it summer yet?
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Man. That sucks.
I know."
"I don't want to read.
I don't want to study.
Let's drop out of college and be gypsies.
Ok."
"Are we trophy wives yet?
Well, we're not married so I don't think so.
Dern."
"Boys are stupid.
So are sorority girls.
And everyone.
I hate people.
Me too."
"Is it Friday yet?
I vote yes.
Glad that's settled."
With my Roomates
"We really need to take the trash out.
Yeah, we really do.
...no one moves..."
"We're out of milk, bread, toilet paper, dog food and chocolate.
And juice and paper towels and bownie mix.Wanna go to WalMart?"
Nah. I don't feel like wearing pants."
"I have a test tomorrow and a paper due Wednesday.
I have a paper due tomorrow, an exam Tuesday and a project due Thursday.
Wanna watch Mean Girls?
Totally."
With my Parents
"Night.
Night."
"There was a shooting in San Francisco, which is basically the Chapel Hill of the West Coast. Are you ok?
Yes Mom, I'm fine."
"How are your classes going?
Fine.
How are your grades?
Cs get degrees."
"Oh my gosh are you okay? Text me or call me ASAP I'm worried.
I'm fine, why?
I didn't hear from you last night.
Wow."
"I miss you, I'm worried about you, I need to hear from you.
Then why don't you call me or text me?
...cricket..."
"I need y'all to put more money in my account, rent is due tomorrow.
...no reply..."
With my Classmates
"Did you do the reading?
Nope."
"Have you started that paper due tomorrow?
Nope."
"Did you know we have a project due tonight?
Nope."
"Have you started studying for that test Friday?
Is it Thursday night?
No.
Then nope."
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Advice For College Freshmen Part 1: Lower Your Expectations
Now that I've been back in school for a month and have had plenty of time to make fun of all the freshmen walking around campus with their orientation lanyards and naive optimism, I actually feel sorry for them and want to help. What can I say? I'm a giver. I am sharing the 3 biggest misconceptions I had about college when I was a freshman. I finally know now what everyone else around me has known for years...that I'm an idiot. So don't follow in my footsteps freshmen, wake up every single day with the goal to not be as hopelessly pathetic as I was, which shouldn't be too hard.
Mistake # 1 I thought I would get much smarter.
I remember being so confused in classes my freshman year, just having no idea what was going on and thinking hey, it can only get better from here. First semester of my freshman year I took a Intro to Public Policy. To this day I still don't know what public policy is. In my defense, I continually ask other people what it is, and they don't know either! Anyways, at that time I was so sure that as I finished general education classes and moved on to my actual major and area of interest I would understand the subject material better. This was my first mistake. Every year I manage to not get kicked out of college, I only get more and more confused in my classes. I realized this was a trend earlier this semester when I found out that all of the girls who speak up, understand and actually do the readings in my social justice class are sophomores. I hadn't even had a college political science class when I was their age and here they are lapping me on the philosophical doctrines of Plato and Nozick. My mistake was over-estimating myself, since then I have adjusted my expectations accordingly. And I can assure that Cs, do indeed, get degrees.
Mistake # 2 I thought I would love my roommate.
Another major misconception I had about college...I for some reason thought that I would quickly become best friends with my roommate. I tried to keep myself realistic and realize that we probably wouldn't be actual best friends until like day 3, but I was totally unprepared for what I actually discovered. Everyone has different talents. Some people are good at math, some people are good at art, other people are good at knowing which scent of hand soap to buy at Bath and Body Works, and some people just have a knack for getting really crappy roommates. In case you couldn't guess, I'm the last one. In retrospect, my roommate freshman year wasn't so bad. It just took me living through the misery that was my sophomore year roommate to realize that. Now, both of my roommates were perfectly nice girls. I would just rather shave my head bald than have to live with either of them again.
My freshman year roommate just had a weird work schedule so she would come home at like 3 in the morning and sleep till at least 12, not too bad. Of course there was that one time that she left broken glass all over my rug, that was sweet of her. She also may have punched a hole in our suite's bathroom window. The worst part was that she was a vegetarian, so our room, especially her stuff, had a certain funk to it. An inescapable funk. To this day I still don't trust vegetarians, although to be fair, I never really have.
But this was nothing compared to the torture that was sophomore year. My roommate was actually insane. To this day I swear she was majoring in Netflix, I only saw her doing actual work twice during the year. Other than that, she basically stayed on her laptop watching entire seasons of shows at a time. She was in our room about 99% of the time and went to bed around 9 every night only to wake up at 10 or 11 the next morning. This was all pretty minor stuff. What was particularly enraging was her attitude. She was fond of slamming doors and often called her parents to talk crap about me. But the final straw was about a week before the end of the school year.
I was sitting on her bed because I had several friends over watching a movie and there was nowhere else to sit. I didn't think she would care and didn't think she would be coming back that day. She walks in, sees me, leaves her suitcase, walks back out. My friends all make jokes about how she is going to kill me but they aren't so much joking as they are warning me to leave the state. Long story short, one week before we were moving out of the room forever and she will never sleep in a twin extra long bed again, she bought an entire new set of bedding. She said that I knew how she felt about germs and that I was so disrespectful. I knew she liked for things to be clean but I had no idea she had an actual psychological disorder. I mean she should have brought me a doctor's note or something. Needless to say, we never spoke again and lived happily ever after.
Mistake # 3 I thought I would make friends.
This one was probably the best let down. I have made less than a dozen new friends in college that I spend time with every week. Now granted, had I gone to another college this could have changed. But I was lucky enough to come to college with several of my best friends from high school. We're all still best friends. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But honestly. I really should have known that regardless of the circumstances, I wasn't going to make new friends in college. It took me long enough to trick my current friends into socializing with me, way longer than the four short years I have here.
Mistake # 1 I thought I would get much smarter.
I remember being so confused in classes my freshman year, just having no idea what was going on and thinking hey, it can only get better from here. First semester of my freshman year I took a Intro to Public Policy. To this day I still don't know what public policy is. In my defense, I continually ask other people what it is, and they don't know either! Anyways, at that time I was so sure that as I finished general education classes and moved on to my actual major and area of interest I would understand the subject material better. This was my first mistake. Every year I manage to not get kicked out of college, I only get more and more confused in my classes. I realized this was a trend earlier this semester when I found out that all of the girls who speak up, understand and actually do the readings in my social justice class are sophomores. I hadn't even had a college political science class when I was their age and here they are lapping me on the philosophical doctrines of Plato and Nozick. My mistake was over-estimating myself, since then I have adjusted my expectations accordingly. And I can assure that Cs, do indeed, get degrees.
Mistake # 2 I thought I would love my roommate.
Another major misconception I had about college...I for some reason thought that I would quickly become best friends with my roommate. I tried to keep myself realistic and realize that we probably wouldn't be actual best friends until like day 3, but I was totally unprepared for what I actually discovered. Everyone has different talents. Some people are good at math, some people are good at art, other people are good at knowing which scent of hand soap to buy at Bath and Body Works, and some people just have a knack for getting really crappy roommates. In case you couldn't guess, I'm the last one. In retrospect, my roommate freshman year wasn't so bad. It just took me living through the misery that was my sophomore year roommate to realize that. Now, both of my roommates were perfectly nice girls. I would just rather shave my head bald than have to live with either of them again.
My freshman year roommate just had a weird work schedule so she would come home at like 3 in the morning and sleep till at least 12, not too bad. Of course there was that one time that she left broken glass all over my rug, that was sweet of her. She also may have punched a hole in our suite's bathroom window. The worst part was that she was a vegetarian, so our room, especially her stuff, had a certain funk to it. An inescapable funk. To this day I still don't trust vegetarians, although to be fair, I never really have.
But this was nothing compared to the torture that was sophomore year. My roommate was actually insane. To this day I swear she was majoring in Netflix, I only saw her doing actual work twice during the year. Other than that, she basically stayed on her laptop watching entire seasons of shows at a time. She was in our room about 99% of the time and went to bed around 9 every night only to wake up at 10 or 11 the next morning. This was all pretty minor stuff. What was particularly enraging was her attitude. She was fond of slamming doors and often called her parents to talk crap about me. But the final straw was about a week before the end of the school year.
I was sitting on her bed because I had several friends over watching a movie and there was nowhere else to sit. I didn't think she would care and didn't think she would be coming back that day. She walks in, sees me, leaves her suitcase, walks back out. My friends all make jokes about how she is going to kill me but they aren't so much joking as they are warning me to leave the state. Long story short, one week before we were moving out of the room forever and she will never sleep in a twin extra long bed again, she bought an entire new set of bedding. She said that I knew how she felt about germs and that I was so disrespectful. I knew she liked for things to be clean but I had no idea she had an actual psychological disorder. I mean she should have brought me a doctor's note or something. Needless to say, we never spoke again and lived happily ever after.
Mistake # 3 I thought I would make friends.
This one was probably the best let down. I have made less than a dozen new friends in college that I spend time with every week. Now granted, had I gone to another college this could have changed. But I was lucky enough to come to college with several of my best friends from high school. We're all still best friends. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But honestly. I really should have known that regardless of the circumstances, I wasn't going to make new friends in college. It took me long enough to trick my current friends into socializing with me, way longer than the four short years I have here.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Ultimate Girl Heroes: Harry Potter Edition
Am I the only one who frequently leaves all of my homework for Sunday night, only to realize that ABC Family Channel is having a Harry Potter weekend? I then try to skim dense readings on utilitarianism and game theory while watching the series in its entirety. Needless to say, not a lot of work gets done. (What television takes away from my studies, Wikipedia always manages to make up for.) Well, that happened to me this weekend and inspired me to write a Harry Potter edition of Ultimate Girl Heroes, because who among us is not still waiting for our acceptance letter to Hogwarts?
Luna Lovegood
Everyone's favorite Ravenclaw, your child-like innocence is so endearing that you have many friends. You definitely make your own rules and dance to the rhythm of weird. I can't quite decide if you're albino, but after a year I stopped caring and decided I like you anyway.
Hermione Granger
You're likely the smartest person in all of your classes and while you take pride in that, you don't rub it in everyone's face.You may be the only female in history to ever be friendzoned, but don't worry. Your guy best friend will wake up. Eventually.
Bellatrix Lestrange
I know what you're thinking, Bellatrix is a bad guy, so why would she be anyone's hero? While I will admit that Bellatrix is 100% pure evil, she is also 10000000% pure awesome. Helena Bonham Carter is a rockstar. But I digress. You are a powerful force with a dark side.Okay, actually you're all dark side. You will turn against your family and friends in an instant. But you do have some fabulous hair.
Minerva McGonagall
The woman. The legend. You are the ultimate teacher. You run a tight ship yet still manage to show compassion. A force to be reckoned with, you love to help others hone their crafts. You love being a team player yet don't mind taking the reins when necessary. No one takes Quidditch more seriously than you, and you understand the importance of crushing Slytherin at every opportunity.
Ginny Weasley
I just don't get you. I mean you're fine, nice enough, decent looking. You have no discernible personality and make every situation infinitely more awkward. But for some reason you capture the heart of the chosen one. Warning: with so many protective older brothers, I'm afraid a Miley rebellion could be in your future, please don't.
Molly Weasley
Your patronus is a lioness because you're constantly looking out for your family. You are friendly to everyone, but if someone tries to hurt the ones you love, they better watch out. You also understand the importance of stretching a galleon and know that hand-me-downs make the world go round.
Nymphadora Tonks
As a tomboy who goes by your last name, you spend your time keeping up with the boys. You understand that you can't always trust your family, so you surround yourself with friends. You were lucky enough to find true love and start a family, but you are always willing to risk your life for what you believe in. So what if your hair inspiration is Nicki Minaj?
*Happy September 11th everyone. Don't let today be filled with sadness but with pride to be a citizen of the greatest country in the world. Merica.
Luna Lovegood
Everyone's favorite Ravenclaw, your child-like innocence is so endearing that you have many friends. You definitely make your own rules and dance to the rhythm of weird. I can't quite decide if you're albino, but after a year I stopped caring and decided I like you anyway.
Hermione Granger
You're likely the smartest person in all of your classes and while you take pride in that, you don't rub it in everyone's face.You may be the only female in history to ever be friendzoned, but don't worry. Your guy best friend will wake up. Eventually.
Bellatrix Lestrange
I know what you're thinking, Bellatrix is a bad guy, so why would she be anyone's hero? While I will admit that Bellatrix is 100% pure evil, she is also 10000000% pure awesome. Helena Bonham Carter is a rockstar. But I digress. You are a powerful force with a dark side.Okay, actually you're all dark side. You will turn against your family and friends in an instant. But you do have some fabulous hair.
Minerva McGonagall
The woman. The legend. You are the ultimate teacher. You run a tight ship yet still manage to show compassion. A force to be reckoned with, you love to help others hone their crafts. You love being a team player yet don't mind taking the reins when necessary. No one takes Quidditch more seriously than you, and you understand the importance of crushing Slytherin at every opportunity.
Ginny Weasley
I just don't get you. I mean you're fine, nice enough, decent looking. You have no discernible personality and make every situation infinitely more awkward. But for some reason you capture the heart of the chosen one. Warning: with so many protective older brothers, I'm afraid a Miley rebellion could be in your future, please don't.
Molly Weasley
Your patronus is a lioness because you're constantly looking out for your family. You are friendly to everyone, but if someone tries to hurt the ones you love, they better watch out. You also understand the importance of stretching a galleon and know that hand-me-downs make the world go round.
Nymphadora Tonks
As a tomboy who goes by your last name, you spend your time keeping up with the boys. You understand that you can't always trust your family, so you surround yourself with friends. You were lucky enough to find true love and start a family, but you are always willing to risk your life for what you believe in. So what if your hair inspiration is Nicki Minaj?
*Happy September 11th everyone. Don't let today be filled with sadness but with pride to be a citizen of the greatest country in the world. Merica.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Disney's The Hunger Games
With a new school year comes new methods of procrastination. One of my personal favorites is staying up all night talking to my friends about topics that would seem dumb to anyone else (I mean, that's why we're friends, right?) Something my friends and I frequently discuss is, if for some reason there was a Hunger Games in Disney World, who would win? This topic has gotten me through many an exam week and my GPA would never have reached such abysmal lows without it.
Using the new rule that there can be 2 winners from the same district, I have analyzed the strengths and weaknesses of each team, but I will leave predicting who will actually win to you.
Jasmine and Aladdin
District 1: Luxury (cave of wonders)
Aladdin's street smarts will help this pair a little and the sultan will be an important sponsor, but these 2 have little else going for them. These newlyweds will be in for a whole new world of pain when they realize that they no longer have a genie or pet tiger to protect them. I bet Aladdin really regrets freeing Robin Williams now.
Mulan and Shang Li
District 2: Weapons (samurai swords and other offensive Asian cliches)
These 2 are pretty fierce. Actually, being a warrior is the only thing Mulan is good at. Mulan and Shang are career tributes with army training that gives them an edge. Mushoo will no longer be around to mess things up and they have ancestors watching over them. This could be the pair to beat.
Ariel and Prince Eric
District 4: Fishing (duh...unda da sea)
King Triton is a very powerful man who could be an important sponsor of this couple IF he forgives Ariel. Ariel will naturally have legs for the games, so Triton may have disowned her, who knows? But you can't discount Ariel's affinity for finding new uses for everyday objects, that skill could make her a threat.
Belle and Beast
District 5: Power (Belle-powerful mind, Beast-the strength of a wild animal, cause he is one)
Beast will be in human form for the games, which will definitely hurt this couple's chances. But Belle has read like every book ever written. I would liken her to Foxface, very sly and clever. She knows plenty, but being able to implement it and use it against the others could be a different story. I just don't see Belle being able to win a fight, she is French after all.
Cinderella and Prince Charming #1
District 6: Transportation (pumpkin carriage, remember?)
Unless Cinderella can clean the competition to death, these guys don't have a chance. Cinderella is helpless without her fairy godmother and now that she is living happily ever after, she is no longer entitled to supernatural help (it's in the fine print). And what can Charming 1 do? Maybe, just maybe, he can use his acute sense of foot size and shape to track the other tributes or animals, but who is going to do the killing? Bibbidi Bobbidi Losers.
Megara and Hercules
District 7: Lumber (because Olympus wasn't an option)
Hercules is obviously the Peeta of Disney, and his strength definitely gives this couple an edge. But all Meg knows how to do is be a damsel in distress, and Hercules having to pick up her slack could put them behind. The gods will likely choose not to get involved to avoid a family feud, what with King Triton being Poseidon's son and all. It really is a small world after all.
Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming #2
District 8: Textiles (her fairy godmothers do all the sewing)
What advantage could Aurora have? She will have to compete with Snow for control of the woodland creatures, losing them could really hurt her. And if Aurora and Charming 2 can't secure a safe place to sleep it will be game over. At least this Charming has an element of bravery. After battling a dragon, Charming 2 will have the upper hand over his competition should any muttations appear.
Esmeralda and Quasimodo
District 10: Livestock (her only friend is a goat)
Quasimodo's only talent is parkouring on Gothic buildings, which I doubt will be in the arena. Esmerelda could always perform some street magic to elude the other tributes, but there will be no sanctuary available. Esmeralda, while totally Disney's Glimmer, is not as feisty or likely to succeed.
Pocahontas and John Smith
District 11: Agriculture (it should be obvious)
John would probably be the first to die if not for Pocahontas. Pocahontas would be really good at handling the elements and living off the land, but is it enough to just out survive everyone? Keep in mind that this pair could hide and then ambush others because Pocahontas can paint like Peeta. No word yet on whether an "all the colors of the wind" palette will be included in the cornucopia.
Snow White and Prince Charming #3
District 12: Mining (hi ho, hi ho)
Snow and Charming 3 are another couple that would seem less than likely to win (Yes, I'm on a first name basis with them). But an important thing to remember is that Snow has 7 super rich friends. The dwarfs are miners, they have lots of diamonds. This could make them very important sponsors. Also, Snow is used to watching her back. Her defense is gonna be pretty good, but with no offensive strategy this couple could be in trouble.
*You should know that while I am a superfan, I do not belong to Team Peeta or Team Gale. I am pretty much just Team Katniss. I mean, Jennifer Lawrence is hawt.
Using the new rule that there can be 2 winners from the same district, I have analyzed the strengths and weaknesses of each team, but I will leave predicting who will actually win to you.
Jasmine and Aladdin
District 1: Luxury (cave of wonders)
Aladdin's street smarts will help this pair a little and the sultan will be an important sponsor, but these 2 have little else going for them. These newlyweds will be in for a whole new world of pain when they realize that they no longer have a genie or pet tiger to protect them. I bet Aladdin really regrets freeing Robin Williams now.
Mulan and Shang Li
District 2: Weapons (samurai swords and other offensive Asian cliches)
These 2 are pretty fierce. Actually, being a warrior is the only thing Mulan is good at. Mulan and Shang are career tributes with army training that gives them an edge. Mushoo will no longer be around to mess things up and they have ancestors watching over them. This could be the pair to beat.
Ariel and Prince Eric
District 4: Fishing (duh...unda da sea)
King Triton is a very powerful man who could be an important sponsor of this couple IF he forgives Ariel. Ariel will naturally have legs for the games, so Triton may have disowned her, who knows? But you can't discount Ariel's affinity for finding new uses for everyday objects, that skill could make her a threat.
Belle and Beast
District 5: Power (Belle-powerful mind, Beast-the strength of a wild animal, cause he is one)
Beast will be in human form for the games, which will definitely hurt this couple's chances. But Belle has read like every book ever written. I would liken her to Foxface, very sly and clever. She knows plenty, but being able to implement it and use it against the others could be a different story. I just don't see Belle being able to win a fight, she is French after all.
Cinderella and Prince Charming #1
District 6: Transportation (pumpkin carriage, remember?)
Unless Cinderella can clean the competition to death, these guys don't have a chance. Cinderella is helpless without her fairy godmother and now that she is living happily ever after, she is no longer entitled to supernatural help (it's in the fine print). And what can Charming 1 do? Maybe, just maybe, he can use his acute sense of foot size and shape to track the other tributes or animals, but who is going to do the killing? Bibbidi Bobbidi Losers.
Megara and Hercules
District 7: Lumber (because Olympus wasn't an option)
Hercules is obviously the Peeta of Disney, and his strength definitely gives this couple an edge. But all Meg knows how to do is be a damsel in distress, and Hercules having to pick up her slack could put them behind. The gods will likely choose not to get involved to avoid a family feud, what with King Triton being Poseidon's son and all. It really is a small world after all.
Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming #2
District 8: Textiles (her fairy godmothers do all the sewing)
What advantage could Aurora have? She will have to compete with Snow for control of the woodland creatures, losing them could really hurt her. And if Aurora and Charming 2 can't secure a safe place to sleep it will be game over. At least this Charming has an element of bravery. After battling a dragon, Charming 2 will have the upper hand over his competition should any muttations appear.
Esmeralda and Quasimodo
District 10: Livestock (her only friend is a goat)
Quasimodo's only talent is parkouring on Gothic buildings, which I doubt will be in the arena. Esmerelda could always perform some street magic to elude the other tributes, but there will be no sanctuary available. Esmeralda, while totally Disney's Glimmer, is not as feisty or likely to succeed.
Pocahontas and John Smith
District 11: Agriculture (it should be obvious)
John would probably be the first to die if not for Pocahontas. Pocahontas would be really good at handling the elements and living off the land, but is it enough to just out survive everyone? Keep in mind that this pair could hide and then ambush others because Pocahontas can paint like Peeta. No word yet on whether an "all the colors of the wind" palette will be included in the cornucopia.
Snow White and Prince Charming #3
District 12: Mining (hi ho, hi ho)
Snow and Charming 3 are another couple that would seem less than likely to win (Yes, I'm on a first name basis with them). But an important thing to remember is that Snow has 7 super rich friends. The dwarfs are miners, they have lots of diamonds. This could make them very important sponsors. Also, Snow is used to watching her back. Her defense is gonna be pretty good, but with no offensive strategy this couple could be in trouble.
*You should know that while I am a superfan, I do not belong to Team Peeta or Team Gale. I am pretty much just Team Katniss. I mean, Jennifer Lawrence is hawt.
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