So this is finals week. Everyone who is surprised to see a new post this week obviously doesn't know me or how seriously I take procrastination. Rewriting song lyrics has always been a passion of mine. It's also an excellent social awkwardness defense mechanism for when I have no clue what the actual words are to a song everyone seems to know but me. Haven't we all been there before? I mean I shout all the lyrics to Mr. Brightside and people look at me like I'm crazy but I blank on a lyric to Sweet Home Alabama and get booed. Who decided that was a classic and The Killers aren't?
Anyway, to get you all through the torment that is finals week, I rewrote Pharrell's song Happy to be appropriate for the general mood this time of year. Enjoy!
It might seem crazy what I'm about to say
That's because it's finals, I haven't slept in days
I'm an over-worked undergrad ready to cry
I'm so tired I feel like I might die
Because I'm sleepy
Clap along if you feel like you know you're gonna fail
Because I'm sleepy
Clap along if you feel like finals week was Hell
Because it's crappy
Clap along if you know now why that reading was due
Because it's crappy
Clap along if you know that the worst grade goes to you
Here come bad grades in this and that
On the course evaluations I won't hold back
I wish I felt like I would be fine
All I can think about is summertime
Because I'm sleepy
Clap along if you feel like you know you're gonna fail
Because I'm sleepy
Clap along if you feel like finals week was Hell
Because it's crappy
Clap along if you know now why that reading was due
Because it's crappy
Clap along if you know that the worst grade goes to you
Sleepy
Let me go
Let me go to sleep
My mind is too tired
Let me go
Let me go to sleep
I said
Let me go
Let me go to sleep
My mind is too tired
Let me go
Let me go to sleep
Because I'm sleepy
Clap along if you feel like you know you're gonna fail
Because I'm sleepy
Clap along if you feel like finals week was Hell
Because it's crappy
Clap along if you know now why that reading was due
Because it's crappy
Clap along if you know that the worst grade goes to you
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Coming in 2017 to a Theater Near You
I think I speak for everyone.
I know y'all were expecting that statement to be followed by "when I say..." and originally it did. The original sentence was "I think I speak for everyone when I say that the movie industry is getting ridiculous." But I scratched that because I don't need a qualifier I just think that I speak for everyone.
Anyway, the point of this week's post is that movies are being made about dumber and dumber things everyday. You just don't come across quality cinematography like Sex and the City 2 anymore. Now that was a film! Movies these days are almost always rip-offs of older movies. As much as I love Pitch Perfect I'm still surprised it wasn't titled Stomp the Yard 3: Sing the Yard. And really, how different is Avatar from the Smurf cartoons? Have you ever seen an avatar and a smurf in the same room? Think about it. So I've taken it upon myself (I know, I know, I do too much) to go ahead and rewrite a few more classics for the future.
The Promposal
With the deadline for prom tickets just days away, it looks as if bossy student body president Margaret, still date-less, will not be attending...until she forces her vice president Andrew to take her if he ever hopes to become president his senior year.
My Ex-Best Friend's Engagement Life Event
While Facebook-stalking her childhood best friend, Julianne discovers that the Michael she called dude all these years is her one true love and is engaged to an idiot. Will Julianne's social media proclamations of love for Michael be enough to scare his fiance away?
10 Things I Ate Without You
Self-proclaimed feminist Kat considers herself above the other insecure high school girls until she falls for the new bad boy in town. She claims to love her body and be confident with herself, but finds herself keeping track of all the chocolate and carbs she used to enjoy before love made her so self-conscious.
How Cinderella Got Her Gucci Back
Dave and Catherine met at a Halloween party, but Catherine is an RA and has to be in the office by midnight to start her shift. After consuming too much candy (wink wink), Catherine leaves her Gucci heel behind, and Dave must go through every undergrad to find his true love.
How to Lose A Roommate in 10 Days
Every August, countless college students fall victim to random roommates. Where can you turn when you are forced into close quarters with someone you can't stand? There's only one way to lose a roommate in 10 days.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Selfies
Follow the boy who lived in his next attempt to defeat the dark lord. In order to gain entrance into the chamber and save Ginny, Harry must first follow all the steps to take the perfect selfie before he runs out of storage on his phone.
Sassy in Pink
Andie gets all of her clothes from Victoria's Secret until her family hits some hard financial times. But Andie has a secret rewards card from before her family went bankrupt. Against all odds Andie's card contains $500, and her destiny is changed forever.
When Harry Met Sally on Tinder
Just out of a relationship and desperate for acceptance, Sally creates a Tinder. She finds Harry adorable, but without her glasses on accidentally passes on his profile. 5 years later on a depressing New Year's Eve Sally finds Harry's picture on Tinder again and likes it. Now it's a waiting game.
Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest Cafe
Times are tough in the notoriously cruel restaurant industry. The country's last Rainforest Cafe is barely hanging on, revenue is way down. It's up to new intern Tiana to save Fern Gully.
Twilight Prequel: Rise
How the tragic love story of Edward and Bella really started. The mysterious vampire was Instagram-stalking new girl Bella when he "accidentally" liked her selfie. When they meet at school Bella asks what he liked about her pic and he replies coolly "the rise filter is my favorite".
I know y'all were expecting that statement to be followed by "when I say..." and originally it did. The original sentence was "I think I speak for everyone when I say that the movie industry is getting ridiculous." But I scratched that because I don't need a qualifier I just think that I speak for everyone.
Anyway, the point of this week's post is that movies are being made about dumber and dumber things everyday. You just don't come across quality cinematography like Sex and the City 2 anymore. Now that was a film! Movies these days are almost always rip-offs of older movies. As much as I love Pitch Perfect I'm still surprised it wasn't titled Stomp the Yard 3: Sing the Yard. And really, how different is Avatar from the Smurf cartoons? Have you ever seen an avatar and a smurf in the same room? Think about it. So I've taken it upon myself (I know, I know, I do too much) to go ahead and rewrite a few more classics for the future.
The Promposal
With the deadline for prom tickets just days away, it looks as if bossy student body president Margaret, still date-less, will not be attending...until she forces her vice president Andrew to take her if he ever hopes to become president his senior year.
My Ex-Best Friend's Engagement Life Event
While Facebook-stalking her childhood best friend, Julianne discovers that the Michael she called dude all these years is her one true love and is engaged to an idiot. Will Julianne's social media proclamations of love for Michael be enough to scare his fiance away?
10 Things I Ate Without You
Self-proclaimed feminist Kat considers herself above the other insecure high school girls until she falls for the new bad boy in town. She claims to love her body and be confident with herself, but finds herself keeping track of all the chocolate and carbs she used to enjoy before love made her so self-conscious.
How Cinderella Got Her Gucci Back
Dave and Catherine met at a Halloween party, but Catherine is an RA and has to be in the office by midnight to start her shift. After consuming too much candy (wink wink), Catherine leaves her Gucci heel behind, and Dave must go through every undergrad to find his true love.
How to Lose A Roommate in 10 Days
Every August, countless college students fall victim to random roommates. Where can you turn when you are forced into close quarters with someone you can't stand? There's only one way to lose a roommate in 10 days.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Selfies
Follow the boy who lived in his next attempt to defeat the dark lord. In order to gain entrance into the chamber and save Ginny, Harry must first follow all the steps to take the perfect selfie before he runs out of storage on his phone.
Sassy in Pink
Andie gets all of her clothes from Victoria's Secret until her family hits some hard financial times. But Andie has a secret rewards card from before her family went bankrupt. Against all odds Andie's card contains $500, and her destiny is changed forever.
When Harry Met Sally on Tinder
Just out of a relationship and desperate for acceptance, Sally creates a Tinder. She finds Harry adorable, but without her glasses on accidentally passes on his profile. 5 years later on a depressing New Year's Eve Sally finds Harry's picture on Tinder again and likes it. Now it's a waiting game.
Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest Cafe
Times are tough in the notoriously cruel restaurant industry. The country's last Rainforest Cafe is barely hanging on, revenue is way down. It's up to new intern Tiana to save Fern Gully.
Twilight Prequel: Rise
How the tragic love story of Edward and Bella really started. The mysterious vampire was Instagram-stalking new girl Bella when he "accidentally" liked her selfie. When they meet at school Bella asks what he liked about her pic and he replies coolly "the rise filter is my favorite".
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
#PostGradProbs
As every college student knows, from the moment you commit to an institution of higher learning, the questions about your plans for after graduation will not stop until you finally look old enough for the general public to assume that you are no longer a college student. These questions suck. A lot. Like dude, I don't even know what I'm going to have for brunch tomorrow, you think I can tell you in 30 seconds or less what my life goals are? And more importantly, they don't really care. 98 times out of 107 they are just making small talk, not really listening, they will ask you the same exact questions next Easter. So I've taken it upon myself to compile a list of very appropriate and very sarcastic answers you should recite the next time your mom's great aunt, twice removed, once incarcerated, asks about your future. You're welcome.
"What are you doing after graduation?" Responses:
Finally announcing my engagement to my Econ professor! The wedding will be in 9 months or less!
Mainly just catching up on Game of Thrones.
I'm moving to Arizona to work for a company that sells ocean liners.
I've been keeping an eye on Craigslist for open trophy wife positions, if you hear anything let me know.
I'll probably just go back to my high school job at Sonic, the skates still fit.
Probably going to the beach for like a week. You?
Moving to India to waitress until I get my big break in the Bollywood movie industry.
I ask my Magic 8 Ball every day and keep getting try again later, but I'll keep you posted.
Moving back in with my parents and negotiating my allowance until I can find a freelance nursing job.
Crack. Lots and lots of crack.
I'm seriously considering the master's program at (insert biggest party school/fake school name).
I got a job as a lifeguard in Alaska that I'm really excited about!
I've been looking into selling nonessential organs to pay off my student loans. Do you know anyone in need of a kidney? I have one left and it's up for grabs.
If you feel guilty about lying to the unsuspecting public, feel free to add this line to the end of whichever answer you choose:
"Kidding! I'm getting a job. Idiot."
"What are you doing after graduation?" Responses:
Finally announcing my engagement to my Econ professor! The wedding will be in 9 months or less!
Mainly just catching up on Game of Thrones.
I'm moving to Arizona to work for a company that sells ocean liners.
I've been keeping an eye on Craigslist for open trophy wife positions, if you hear anything let me know.
I'll probably just go back to my high school job at Sonic, the skates still fit.
Probably going to the beach for like a week. You?
Moving to India to waitress until I get my big break in the Bollywood movie industry.
I ask my Magic 8 Ball every day and keep getting try again later, but I'll keep you posted.
Moving back in with my parents and negotiating my allowance until I can find a freelance nursing job.
Crack. Lots and lots of crack.
I'm seriously considering the master's program at (insert biggest party school/fake school name).
I got a job as a lifeguard in Alaska that I'm really excited about!
I've been looking into selling nonessential organs to pay off my student loans. Do you know anyone in need of a kidney? I have one left and it's up for grabs.
If you feel guilty about lying to the unsuspecting public, feel free to add this line to the end of whichever answer you choose:
"Kidding! I'm getting a job. Idiot."
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Memoirs of a White Girl in Class
There are only 2 weeks of class left, but who's counting? As the semester winds down, I realized it's probably a good time to start taking notes, right? But when I started trying to take notes in class, this happened instead. This is my train of thought during a typical class period, and you can rest assured that this post is accurate because I am writing it in class. This is straight from the monkey's brain, or whatever the expression is.
Am I in some alternate universe where it's ok for someone to sit in the seat I have been in all semester? That's so crazy, I didn't even notice astral projecting myself into THIS IS MADNESS LAND.
Did the professor try to make a joke again or is everyone laughing at me? Is there something on my face?
What class am I even in right now?
Ohhh he has an accent. He's from France. This is just like that Mary-Kate and Ashley movie where they go to Paris. I wonder if I'm more Mary-Kate or more Ashley? I'm sure there's a Buzzfeed quiz for this.
Can we eat in here?
This girl on my right literally always wears loose jeans and a jacket, hair in a pony tail, no make up. And yet she has all monogram everything. Someone needs to tell her she's being a white girl wrong. Seriously people, commit to a look! I'm talkin to you norts and jacks girl. If you wanna wear Jack Rogers you do you. But give them some dignity! You don't see me wearing Christian Louboutins with yoga leggings! Do better. Just do better.
I can't believe I wore pants for this.
Hey I know that girl, she does Dance Marathon. Hey friend, I like you. You are approved to sit near me. Congratulations.
What?! We have a test next week! Thanks for NOT putting this on the syllabus, Dr. Jerkface. I can't beli...oh. It is on the syllabus. And it has been all year. Ok, my bad. That one's on me.
Has Amanda Bynes tweeted today?
I have been paying attention for 5 whole minutes without playing Spider Solitaire. That's a new record and I think I know how to celebrate...to Buzzfeed!
Today was a waste of make up.
I'm so full from lunch. I think I'll have a salad for dinner. Or a pizza. Pizza sounds better.
Do I know him? He looks familiar...oh my gosh it's footsie boy from the library! Hey footsie. Stop being weird, you can't call him that to his face. You can't call him anything, he doesn't even know you. You're so weird.
Wait I'm not even wearing make up. I can rub my eyes!
Haven't been to the Victoria's Secret website in awhile...
Ok he just said he's graded all but one of our papers and hasn't read a bad one yet. Guess he saved mine for last.
Am I in some alternate universe where it's ok for someone to sit in the seat I have been in all semester? That's so crazy, I didn't even notice astral projecting myself into THIS IS MADNESS LAND.
Did the professor try to make a joke again or is everyone laughing at me? Is there something on my face?
What class am I even in right now?
Ohhh he has an accent. He's from France. This is just like that Mary-Kate and Ashley movie where they go to Paris. I wonder if I'm more Mary-Kate or more Ashley? I'm sure there's a Buzzfeed quiz for this.
Can we eat in here?
This girl on my right literally always wears loose jeans and a jacket, hair in a pony tail, no make up. And yet she has all monogram everything. Someone needs to tell her she's being a white girl wrong. Seriously people, commit to a look! I'm talkin to you norts and jacks girl. If you wanna wear Jack Rogers you do you. But give them some dignity! You don't see me wearing Christian Louboutins with yoga leggings! Do better. Just do better.
I can't believe I wore pants for this.
Hey I know that girl, she does Dance Marathon. Hey friend, I like you. You are approved to sit near me. Congratulations.
What?! We have a test next week! Thanks for NOT putting this on the syllabus, Dr. Jerkface. I can't beli...oh. It is on the syllabus. And it has been all year. Ok, my bad. That one's on me.
Has Amanda Bynes tweeted today?
I have been paying attention for 5 whole minutes without playing Spider Solitaire. That's a new record and I think I know how to celebrate...to Buzzfeed!
Today was a waste of make up.
I'm so full from lunch. I think I'll have a salad for dinner. Or a pizza. Pizza sounds better.
Do I know him? He looks familiar...oh my gosh it's footsie boy from the library! Hey footsie. Stop being weird, you can't call him that to his face. You can't call him anything, he doesn't even know you. You're so weird.
Wait I'm not even wearing make up. I can rub my eyes!
Haven't been to the Victoria's Secret website in awhile...
Ok he just said he's graded all but one of our papers and hasn't read a bad one yet. Guess he saved mine for last.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Promposals. How About No.
This week's post is about a disturbing trend that is sweeping teenage girls across the nation faster than Starbucks samples disappear at a white girl convention. Promposals. They're like proposals only stupid.
I'm sure this late in "prom season" *rolls eyes* you have already seen way too many promposals. There are some simple promposals that are actually very adorable, but once over a dozen people are involved in making it happen, you're way out of scale.
You know what's a good way to ask someone to prom?
Picture it, it's my junior year and I'm walking back to chemistry after lunch, when I turn to my friend and ask:
"Who are you going to prom with?"
"You."
"Ok."
But these days girls expect sky writing or the word prom plowed in a corn field or whatever other "creative and original" ways guys are asking girls to prom that cost a minimum of $40 and it's ridiculous.
See there are 2 different types of promposals. Either you are asking your girlfriend to go to prom with you or you are asking a girl you like to go with you. A big gesture does not work for either of these. If you are dating the girl you are asking to prom, why do you have to make a big deal about it? Isn't it assumed that you are going together? And if you aren't dating the girl you ask, it's weird to put so much effort into asking her. The promposal is like the Hail Mary of trying to escape the friendzone. And what if she wants to say no? She totally can't. There is no escape route!
The more elaborate/public your promposal the more impossible it is for the recipient of said promposal to politely decline lest she crush your spirits forever and I think that while typing this sentence I've just realized why they are so popular all of a sudden, maybe boys really are smarter than us? They are capitalizing on the fundamental difference between the genders, the fact that girls actually don't like making people feel bad about themselves, unlike jerks. I mean guys.
But above all, let us consider the future spouses of everyone involved in these emotionally scarring promposals. Think of the poor future husband of whatever girl gets an elaborate promposal. This poor guy is going to rent a hot air balloon and when he gets down on one knee, the girl will be thinking the whole time "when I was 16 I got asked to prom by a flash mob at Disney World." And guys, think of your future wives! You think a candlelit dinner at your favorite restaurant and a Tiffany & Co. ring is going to cut it when she heard from your mother that you hand designed a series of ring pops and lip-synched all the words to a One Direction song to ask your high school girlfriend to a dance? I think that just goes to show that there are no winners here people! So stop trying to make promposals happen.
Now I should probably mention that all above sassiness is partially due to the fact that I am not exactly a prom person. I sincerely hope that my wedding dress costs less than $300 so I find the prices of prom dresses these days more than absurd. And the tanning. I don't get why tan lines or pastiness in photos of a high school dance versus skin cancer is a debate. My motto for my senior prom was "it's 12 o'clock somewhere can I go home?" If I could repeat my proms, well I wouldn't. But if I was forced at gunpoint to repeat my proms, I would wear black dresses to match my soul. So by all means, don't let me rain on your prom night.
I'm sure this late in "prom season" *rolls eyes* you have already seen way too many promposals. There are some simple promposals that are actually very adorable, but once over a dozen people are involved in making it happen, you're way out of scale.
You know what's a good way to ask someone to prom?
Picture it, it's my junior year and I'm walking back to chemistry after lunch, when I turn to my friend and ask:
"Who are you going to prom with?"
"You."
"Ok."
But these days girls expect sky writing or the word prom plowed in a corn field or whatever other "creative and original" ways guys are asking girls to prom that cost a minimum of $40 and it's ridiculous.
See there are 2 different types of promposals. Either you are asking your girlfriend to go to prom with you or you are asking a girl you like to go with you. A big gesture does not work for either of these. If you are dating the girl you are asking to prom, why do you have to make a big deal about it? Isn't it assumed that you are going together? And if you aren't dating the girl you ask, it's weird to put so much effort into asking her. The promposal is like the Hail Mary of trying to escape the friendzone. And what if she wants to say no? She totally can't. There is no escape route!
The more elaborate/public your promposal the more impossible it is for the recipient of said promposal to politely decline lest she crush your spirits forever and I think that while typing this sentence I've just realized why they are so popular all of a sudden, maybe boys really are smarter than us? They are capitalizing on the fundamental difference between the genders, the fact that girls actually don't like making people feel bad about themselves, unlike jerks. I mean guys.
But above all, let us consider the future spouses of everyone involved in these emotionally scarring promposals. Think of the poor future husband of whatever girl gets an elaborate promposal. This poor guy is going to rent a hot air balloon and when he gets down on one knee, the girl will be thinking the whole time "when I was 16 I got asked to prom by a flash mob at Disney World." And guys, think of your future wives! You think a candlelit dinner at your favorite restaurant and a Tiffany & Co. ring is going to cut it when she heard from your mother that you hand designed a series of ring pops and lip-synched all the words to a One Direction song to ask your high school girlfriend to a dance? I think that just goes to show that there are no winners here people! So stop trying to make promposals happen.
Now I should probably mention that all above sassiness is partially due to the fact that I am not exactly a prom person. I sincerely hope that my wedding dress costs less than $300 so I find the prices of prom dresses these days more than absurd. And the tanning. I don't get why tan lines or pastiness in photos of a high school dance versus skin cancer is a debate. My motto for my senior prom was "it's 12 o'clock somewhere can I go home?" If I could repeat my proms, well I wouldn't. But if I was forced at gunpoint to repeat my proms, I would wear black dresses to match my soul. So by all means, don't let me rain on your prom night.
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