Halloweekend

Happy Discount Halloween Products Day! I hope you all forgot about this holiday so that I can score even better deals this weekend. 

Thanks so much for all the feedback last week. Many of you commented on my use of Kit Kats as utensils but the results were split. Half of you find me incredibly inventive and the other half of you find me to be a disgusting amalgamation of lard masquerading as a human girl. Can’t win ‘em all. 

 While we're all recovering from yesterday's festivities (as a working adult with no children, my festivities included writing this blog and watching American Horror Story), allow me to regale you with my Halloweekend activities.

This year I chose to save the drama for your llama and dressed as Yzma. I had a lot of fun making my costume and only a little carpal tunnel. Thank goodness for my sewing machine and hot glue gun. Without them I would be forced to buy a costume and in doing so would save hours of my life and honestly, probably money too knowing the way I shop at Michaels.
  

Please observe my intense Yzma lashes and earrings. I used a filter in one of these selfies.

But I won't tell you which one.

Emily and I spent all last week trying to get our new apartment ready. We decorated. We cooked. We made it nice. I used my chalkboard that was originally created to keep score during the Rio Olympics as a festive welcome sign. I presented the mini pumpkins that my roommates and I marbled with the help of rejected nail polish shades. And of course I had a fall candle burning. Not the black flame candle, don't worry.


Lupe was the first to arrive and was promptly greeted slash attacked by my doggie Kuzco. I did triage and gave him the necessary amount of side-eye.

We had some snacks. Mummies in a blanket. Eyeballs made of powdered donuts and cake. Crackers for my vegan cousin. #Inclusive #IsDr.Peppervegan? There is honestly nothing scarier than planning a meal for a vegan. But it's only hard to feed if a vegan if you take their dietary restrictions into consideration. I did not. When Drew showed up I just let him read the nutritional information of everything in my pantry. Emily and I offered him every vegan product we owned because if there is something vegan-friendly in this apartment it was a mistake.

We took pictures, played Loaded Questions, did makeup and ended the night with Blackfish because documentaries are the realest horror movies.

The next day we cemented our costume ideas for next year. My twisted sisters and I will be going as Marilyn Manson band members. They all have the first names of famous starlets and the last names of infamous serial killers. It's genius. I'm going to go as Olivia Newton Bundy.

 

Picture it. Long brown hair parted down the middle. Leather pants. Red heels. Black off the shoulder top. Arm in a sling. "Tell me about it, Ted."

Queen of Halloween

Today's post is a simple Halloween costume quiz because A) 'tis the season and B) I moved last weekend and I may never feel well-rested again. Here are some highlights:

• I almost decided to relocate mid-move when Emily trash talked Austin Mahone. Luckily for her, I decided that thanks to all the manual labor involved, moving again wasn't worth it.

• I used a Kit-Kat bar as a spoon for ice cream. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. 

• Remember a few weeks ago when I got dumped and how fun that was? In my new place, I get to drive past where we had our first date not just once, but twice a day! And they say dreams don't come true.

• I decorated my bathroom around Bath & Body Works stress relief aromatherapy line and I'm not sorry. It's my new aesthetic.

 

1. What is your favorite thing about fall?
A. The weather and clothes!
B. Halloween!
C. Knitting and other crafts!
D. Cuddling and candles!

2. Which movie do you want to watch on a chilly fall night?
A. Hocus Pocus
B. Saw (or a Saw sequel)
C. Let the Right One In
D. The Corpse Bride

3. What's the best fall food?
A. Candy apples
B. Anything with fake blood
C. Mummies in a blanket
D. S'mores for 2

4. How do you feel about football?
A. I love it! Go Panthers!
B. I'd rather watch a horror movie
C. I'd rather watch literally anything else
D. I love tailgating with my bae.

5. What would you NEVER be for Halloween?
A. A fad character
B. A princess
C. A non-costumey costume
D. Something scary

6. What's the best Halloween candy?
A. Reese's pumpkins
B. Candy cigarettes
C. Candy corn
D. Wax lips

7. What's your Halloween party style?
A. Throw a simple party, like I do every year.
B. A horror movie marathon with my friends and snacks.
C. Go to a few different parties, each with a different Halloween craft.
D. A bonfire with my sweetie.


Mostly As - Classic
Costumes: Jessica Rabbit, Witch, Disney character
You appreciate all the traditional fall things...cooler weather, football, scarves and pumpkin spice. Get ready for your annual Halloween Insta post by suiting up as a beloved character that never goes out of style.

Mostly Bs - Scream Queen
Costumes: Zombie, skeleton, any gory makeup creation
You really lean in to the guts, blood and glory of All Hallow's Eve. You value a costume that invokes screams and winces rather than Instagram likes. Make sure to stock up on the red costume makeup before stores run out.

Mostly Cs - Quirky
Costumes: Melisandre, David S. Pumpkins, Snapchat filter
You like to pick a Halloween costume that's totally you...even if no one else gets it. I've been there. Last year I went as Tzipporah, wife of Moses. Everyone thought I was a belly dancer. Somehow I don't think that's what the high priest of Midian had in mind for his daughter.

Mostly Ds - Romantic
Costumes: Elizabeth Bennett, ballerina, couples costume
You think Halloween is the perfect excuse to get all dressed up with your sweetheart...or attract a new one. Embrace the seasonal Snapchat filters and costumes that call for duck lips.

Keep Calm and Bake On

Meet Chelsea.

Ignore Brendan. (As usual.)

My best friend.

A 64 pack of crayons.

WITH a sharpener.

Who keeps me laughing.

Last week, Chelsea came over for some much-needed BFF therapy and as always, she gave me everything I needed. A pizza, her full attention and most importantly, she introduced me to The Great British Bake Off (and the national treasure that is Norman).

It could have very well been our LAST pizza even though I don't remember selecting fava beans and a nice Chianti as toppings.

After we survived the pizza delivery we watched The Great British Bake Off or as I like to call it, the last show on Netflix actually worth a crap thanks to the great purge of '17. Allow me to offer some thoughts...

First off I get that this is the BRITISH bake off, but can we ditch the British numbers? Or at least get some mathematical American subtitles. 10 grams means nothing to me. Is that a pinch? Is it a whole box? Who knows?

Secondly, maybe we should do American subtitles for everything cause I have some bad news for y'all about what constitutes a biscuit.

Thirdly...if that is a word...y'all use wayyyy too many flavors. Lavender AND cardamom AND basil? Calm down. Although the Brits do seem to have a healthy appreciation for lemon. I respect that.

Now we come to my final point. I made the promise Thursday that if Norman got voted off, the whole show would be dead to me. And I take this stuff seriously. I haven't shopped at IKEA once since the Swedish women's soccer team beat Team USA in Rio. Luckily I selected IKEA as the scapegoat for that debacle because I could never boycott ABBA. Hey, why do the Swedes capitalize everything?

Unfortunately for me, the unthinkable happened. Norman was kicked off the 5th season during episode 5, pies and tarts. Here's what makes me so enraged about that, other than the fact that Norman was a completely adorable retired naval officer with the cutest Scottish accent.

1 - Another contestant left right after episode 4 due to a serious head injury. They didn't have to eliminate anyone that week. That's what Tyra does sometimes on America's Next Top Model and I did some research. ANTM: British Invasion premiered in 2012. And while the ladies didn't actually travel to England during Cycle 18, the door was open for international relations regarding reality show best practices. I'm filing that one under missed opportunities.

2 - The very next episode, they didn't eliminate anyone. Not a one. So if you're going to have an episode where everyone is safe...you use that to save Norman. I'm not a producer but I'm fairly certain Andy Cohen and Ryan Seacrest would back me up on this.

So why am I going to continue to watch this show after everything they've put me through? I decided to let them off on a technicality. During the Showstopper Challenge, Norman used an ingredient that I think we can all agree is despicable. With the exceptions of mushrooms and perhaps human flesh...there is no ingredient more disgusting than haggis. Now I love this man. I love his Scottish accent. I love his little Scottish hat. But I have to draw the line somewhere. And I just cannot in good conscience endorse a pudding made of sheep liver, lungs, heart and worse...suet.

So thank you Norman, thank you Mary Berry and thank you Chelsea.

Never Want to Die...t

I had already written a post for today because I thought I had a date tonight. Change of plans...I got dumped instead. So...much like my relationship, that blog post got shoved into the scrap heap and I decided to start fresh. Here we go.

My father and brother recently celebrated birthdays but if I were them I would celebrate every day because they're both in the best shape of their lives. How did they do it? Exercise? Yeah. Diet? Yeah. Metabolism so fast it makes Allyson Felix look like...me? Yep, they are genetically blessed with that too. In terms of inheriting traits, Patrick got my dad's teeth and metabolism and I got my mom's chronic anxiety. Fair trade?

But the main change they both made that helped them lose weight...for my brother it was the freshman 15 that was actually more like 7, for my father it was - nothing, he hasn't gained weight since before I was born when I guess I started hogging all the resources...was paying more attention to what they were eating. This was bad news for me because I am not a naturally observant person and I'm willing to bet that most people would agree that if I have some extra attention to spare I should really lend it to the driving sphere of my daily life, not my diet.

My dad and brother downloaded apps on their phones to track what they ate and they learned to make better choices and eat smaller portions. I said that seemed really difficult to have to log everything you eat and they assured me that it didn't take long and you can find most packaged foods easily. And I'll admit...I almost believed them. Until last night, when I witnessed the unthinkable. My father POURED HIS SKIM MILK INTO A MEASURING CUP.

I was almost too ashamed to type that. I looked at my mother, incredulously. Could she believe this was happening? My father was measuring skim milk! And not because we didn't have any clean glasses but because he actually needed to know the volume of the milk he would be drinking. Y'all. I cannot stress this enough. It was SKIM. MILK. That's essentially diet water because it's water mixed with some of the nutritional value of milk. All of the good parts of milk with none of the bad. I'm no scientist but it's got to be negative calories like celery or grapefruit.

Needless to say, that method just isn't going to work for me for a variety of reasons. First of all - for one week a month I am just going to eat everything in sight, even if it's not edible (Hello Starburst wrappers! I only have 24 hours in a day and I refuse to spend 20 minutes unwrapping a teaspoon of caloric content.) Second of all, I don't own that many measuring cups. And imagine if I ate something homemade like a casserole or dessert! That would involve some John Nash level mathematics. (1/3 cup vegetable oil in this cake, split into 12 pieces so divide by 12, add the icing and sprinkles. Can't we just count it as a vegetable?) Also, here's something a lot of people don't realize...I drive right past 2 different McDonald's every single day. That means for about 40 minutes of commute time every day I can smell french fries from my car. I'm only human.

I've tried different diets in the past. My favorite was the sleep past breakfast diet. The less bread diet lasted one meal. I'm also more than willing to try the chocolate diet I saw on MTV's True Life. Just yesterday I heard of a new one. It's called self-control and I don't think it's for me.

I'll keep searching for a diet that I can commit too without neglecting my long-term relationship with bread and Butterfinger cups. I refuse to believe that a society capable of flight, space travel and elevators doesn't have the scientific wherewithal to make asparagus taste more like garlic bread and less like sadness.

Therapy, Therayou, Therame

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Week, I wanted to write a post about therapy. I think that a lot of people see going to therapy as a sign of weakness and that can discourage people who need help from seeking it. Facing mental illness and having the self awareness to find treatment shows a lot of strength. And many of the issues people see therapists for are much more common than we think, check out this article.

I've had some wonderful experiences with therapy and some terrible experiences with therapy and a LOT of humorous experiences as well. Sometimes I cry in therapy but mostly I laugh. My therapist laughs too and I'm pretty sure it's with me. I wanted to share some of my more lighthearted thoughts on therapy to raise awareness, shine a little light on the process and hopefully help some people start a dialogue.

• Sometimes your best friend is your therapist and sometimes your therapist is your best friend and that's okay.
• I've always disliked sororities and fraternities because it seems like paying for friends but how is that different than what I do with my therapist? And I only have one therapist, they get a ton of brothers and sisters...maybe it's a really good bargain?
• My therapist offered to write me a note explaining why I can't do something and now she might be my maid of honor.
• My therapist might be relocating. I see her for abandonment issues.
• Here's a thought. Uber but for therapy. Instead of splitting the fare with fellow riders you can split sessions with whoever should be paying for it. $10 charged to my mother for my need to micromanage, $20 charged to middle school bullies for chronic anxiety, a $50 bill for my ex for the inability to trust.
• One of my therapists still had the DSM-III sitting on her bookshelf. I swear horror movie music started playing when I saw that.
• I used to want to be rich so I could afford to not eat off the kid's menu at Disney World and maybe get a beach house someday. Now I want to be rich so I can afford a therapist that makes house calls. 
• They say Millennials are ruining the diamond market and the housing market and the furniture market and kind of everything, but I think we're doing wonders for the therapy market.
• With the money I spend on therapy, I almost can't afford to do all the impulsive and reckless shopping to make myself happy. Which is part of why I go to therapy in the first place. So...I guess it's working? 
• I kind of want to bring my boyfriend to therapy with me but what if we break up and he gets her in the settlement?
• When I was little I used to tell my parents when other kids were mean to me. They thought I would grow out of tattling but now I just tell my therapist.
• Whenever I go to therapy my goal is to make my therapist laugh but it should probably be to tell the truth.
• The older I get, the more I realize that the one area in my life where I truly can’t afford NOT to splurge is therapy. 
•  I see approximately 4 "my husband is better than yours" posts on social media every week and I just think "my therapist is better than yours." 
• I love to say "my therapist says" before statements so I don't sound too assertive. "My therapist says that the way you communicate is unhealthy."

If you're ever in need of a therapist you can use this site to search by insurance provider, gender, sexuality, age, faith and any other metric you can think of. However, between insurance plans and work arrangements, attending weekly therapy can be expensive. Sometimes local psychology programs will provide free or discounted therapy through clinical interns, like at this site. One of my friends created a mental health awareness initiative to benefit Club Nova of Orange County. You can find more information here. 

The important thing to remember if you're ever experiencing any mental health concerns, anxiety, depression or something you don't know how to deal with is that there is always someone to talk to. There are numbers you can call, friends online and in real life you can reach out to and adults you can trust. Find your people and know that you're never a burden. You are loved and needed.